swinging from joy to despair, and back again

 
 For twenty years I have heard the long list, the opinions, the sermons, the pat answers. I have read hundreds of books, prayed the prayers and fasted. I have stood on God's promises. I have had the laying on of hands. I have performed spiritual warfare. Rebuked demons and called on angels. I have believed, and I have doubted.

 Last year more than thirty of my friends and family fasted and prayed for me for a month. And yet here I remain, a pendulum swinging from feeling safe, normal and hopeful, to the other extreme: shaking with anxiety, crying, hopeless, desperate thoughts raging in my head, and all due to suffering. SUFFERING. For twenty years.

 If you know my story, you know the extensive lists of physicians, specialists, and therapists available in the medical community that I have sought. You know the many expensive procedures, nerve blocks and medications I have tried and the handful I am on. You also know the extreme measures I have gone to, from having an injection in the most sensitive of areas, to having my brain zapped --and both treatments were unsuccessful.

 I still try, with what is left in me, to hold out hope. I still cry and plead with God every day. Every. single. day. I attend a weekly bible study with great friends, I see a Christian counselor, and most precious to me is the love and support from my husband, and the sweet, tender heart of my son. I continue to seek Him, but after twenty years of swinging week to week from one extreme to the other... it is difficult to believe there is an end in sight.

 I look back ten years ago, when I was thirty, still young enough and still naïve enough to believe in the goodness of God, to believe that the medical community would study PGAD and come up with a cure. It is difficult for me to have faith in either of them now.

 I have to admit, I look around at the lives of many believers I have known over these twenty years  who have endured, and continue to endure, great trials and suffering, and I see the same hopelessness, weariness, anything but this "victorious life" we were taught we'd have. We have put our energy and faith into God and His word, only to continue in our personal pain, see our loved ones suffer and die, for great sorrow to wear us down. I know all the responses Christians make concerning this. I have been told that even though I cannot recognize it, I actually am walking in victory, I mean, God has sustained me for 20 years, right? He hasn't let me give up yet! I should feel privileged that He has chosen me to suffer, because my suffering has comforted others, and I should recognize His hand working in my life, and be grateful for all that He has taught me through suffering. As much as these statements may be true, my current response is: Well, isn't that just great?

 I am with St Teresa of Avila who cried out,“God, if this is the way you treat your friends, no wonder you have so few of them!”

I do not have an answer or happy ending to this blog. I am simply stating, again, where I am: swinging from joy to despair, week-to-week, praying Psalm 13 again and again... and still not receiving an answer.

　

Psalm 13

1O Lord, how long will you forget me? Forever?
How long will you look the other way?
2 How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul,
with sorrow in my heart every day?
How long will my enemy have the upper hand?

3 Turn and answer me, O Lord my God!
Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die.
4 Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, "We have defeated him!"
Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love.
I will rejoice because you have rescued me.
6 I will sing to the Lord
because he is good to me.

my dirty, ugly prayers

Sometimes when I pray, I call God names. Ugly names. I mean, I really tear into Him with curse words and insults. I am usually suffering, angry, and at my wits end when I pray this way. I tell Him I am giving up, that He's a bleeping son of a bleep. That I hate Him. That if He wants me to be different, to have faith, to trust Him, to not suffer, to not always resort to suicidal thoughts, then HE is going to have to bleeping do something about it, because I am no Job! I am not able to say "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Oh, hell no! I am all, "Hey Lord, you've taken away so much from me, you bleeeeep!"

Your jaw may have dropped open by now, but listen: I am honest with my Father and my Lord and Savior, and make no apologies for it. These "dirty, ugly" thoughts are in my heart anyway, so none of it surprises Him. He always hears me out, cursing and all, and I love Him for it. Many times, and I mean many many times, after my "dirty, ugly" prayers, God surprises me. Sometimes it's within an hour, or a day or week. Suddenly I'll have strength where I had none, or my symptoms decrease, or I am able to wake before sunset! It's crazy. He's crazy! After cursing Him out, God responds to me with love! Maybe that's because He is love, maybe it's because He truly sees how naked and weak and desperate I am. Many times I have even given Him ultimatums, which I have always been taught is a big no-no. "No drawing lines in the sand with God." Well, I don't draw lines, I dig huge, bleeping trenches and say, "IT'S ALL YOU, GOD! IT IS YOUR TURN TO DO SOMETHING, YOU BIG BLEEPING JERK!"

For years I was taught from the pulpit or from legalistic Christians that God is scary. Don't piss Him off. Be on your best behavior. Hide your true feelings from Him. Be polite and humble and self-degrading when you pray, or else He's gonna getcha!

The Father God I have come to know sees me, His small and weak and angry daughter, cursing at Him while digging what I think is a trench, which He sees like the moat a child digs around a sand castle. He smiles kindly at me, steps over the moat, and says, "Let me show you my love, little one."

This reminds me of something quite impressive in a book I am reading (and highly recommend) called Unclean: Meditations on Purity, Hospitality and Morality by Richard Beck. In the book, Beck focuses on the psychology of disgust, and how this has and continues to effect the church. It's so deep and fascinating I could write about it all night, but in keeping with my "dirty, ugly" prayer, I want to offer an illustration the author uses that blew my mind:

"If I am to touch... some feces to your cheeseburger the cheeseburger gets ruined, permanently... Importantly, the cheeseburger doesn't make the feces suddenly scrumptious. When the pure and the polluted come into contact the pollutant is the more powerful force. The negative dominates the positive. Negativity dominance has important missional implications for the church. For example, notice how negativity dominance is at work in Matthew 9. The Pharisees never once consider the fact that the contact between Jesus and the sinners might have a purifying, redemptive, and cleansing effect upon the sinners. Why not? The logic of contamination simply doesn't work that way. The logic of contamination has the power of the negative dominating over the positive. Jesus doesn't purify the sinners. The sinners make Jesus unclean. ...What is striking about the gospel accounts is how Jesus reverses negativity dominance. Jesus is, to coin a term, positivity dominance. Contact with Jesus purifies." (Bold emphasis mine)

I understand that Beck is not talking about prayer here, but when I read this I understood why I never feel guilty after I pray my dirty, ugly, curse-word laden, degrading-God's-very-character prayers, and the reason is because I am like the sinners, coming into contact with Holiness Himself! My words do not offend or hurt God, in fact, He is able to understand exactly where they are coming from and why I am saying them, and He responds to me, saying, "Yes, I completely understand why you are saying these things. You are in My presence, and it is here that I change, purify, redeem and cleanse you." In really weird layman's terms: The cheeseburger touching the feces actually turns the feces into something scrumptious.

Now I know some of you may be citing James 3:8 -10, "But no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in the likeness of God; from the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way."

It is important to note that this verse is about cursing fellow humans, and that kind of cursing can be defined as degrading another person or wishing evil upon them. I have found, that more often than not, degrading someone is done without using what our culture has deemed "curse words." There is no such thing as a "curse word" --but that's a blog for another time.

The verses from James is a reflection of what Jesus says in Matthew 5:22 "...whoever says to his brother, ‘Raca!’ will be in danger of the council; and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of Gehenna." When translated, "Raca" means "Good for nothing." Note these degrading words do not contain "curse words." Jesus knows that when we insult or degrade one another in any form, it does emotional damage. Jesus, on the other hand, cannot be emotionally damaged. Let me emphasis again, God already knows what is in our hearts! We are not fooling Him by using polite language.

Now, I'm not advocating for everyone to start using curse words in their prayers, and I understand that our culture and the church has claimed certain words to be "unclean" and some people would feel it is inappropriate, if not a sin, to include "curse words" in their prayers. What I am hoping for, if you get anything out of this blog, is that you can be utterly honest with God.

I readily admit that I am screwed-up and have issues, just like everyone else, but I have seen --and continue to see-- that when all of our stinking bleep is strewn out before the throne of God, He is not shocked, surprised or offended, and our crazily compassionate God will always respond to us with love, and even call us, each, "My beloved child." That is who our God is.

I will leave you with Psalm 88, a beautiful, ticked-off, doubting, desperate and blaming God for all my troubles song:

I Cry Out Day and Night Before You

A Song. A Psalm of the Sons of Korah. To the choirmaster: according to Mahalath Leannoth. A Maskil^[a] of Heman the Ezrahite.

O Lord, God of my salvation;
    I cry out day and night before you.
² Let my prayer come before you;
    incline your ear to my cry!

³ For my soul is full of troubles,
    and my life draws near to Sheol.
⁴ I am counted among those who go down to the pit;
    I am a man who has no strength,
⁵ like one set loose among the dead,
    like the slain that lie in the grave,
like those whom you remember no more,
    for they are cut off from your hand.
⁶ You have put me in the depths of the pit,
    in the regions dark and deep.
⁷ Your wrath lies heavy upon me,
    and you overwhelm me with all your waves. Selah

⁸ You have caused my companions to shun me;
    you have made me a horror^[b] to them.
I am shut in so that I cannot escape;
⁹     my eye grows dim through sorrow.
Every day I call upon you, O Lord;
    I spread out my hands to you.
¹⁰ Do you work wonders for the dead?
    Do the departed rise up to praise you? Selah
¹¹ Is your steadfast love declared in the grave,
    or your faithfulness in Abaddon?
¹² Are your wonders known in the darkness,
    or your righteousness in the land of forgetfulness?

¹³ But I, O Lord, cry to you;
    in the morning my prayer comes before you.
¹⁴ O Lord, why do you cast my soul away?
    Why do you hide your face from me?
¹⁵ Afflicted and close to death from my youth up,
    I suffer your terrors; I am helpless.^[c]
16 Your wrath has swept over me;
    your dreadful assaults destroy me.
¹⁷ They surround me like a flood all day long;
    they close in on me together.
¹⁸ You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me;
    my companions have become darkness.^[d]

So anyway, my poetry manuscript is GOING TO BE PUBLISHED!

Yeah, it's no biggie. I've only been waiting for this since I was fifteen years old.

I've only submitted manuscripts of my poetry to publishers about half a dozen times within the past 25 years, but the closest I've ever come was receiving an "Honorable Mention" in a chapbook contest that was about six years ago, but it came without publishing. Of course I was thankful for the nod of encouragement, so the following year I submitted to yet another contest and did not receive anything but a rejection letter. After that, I wasn't able to go through the work and frustration again, so I stuck to just writing poems, figuring it wasn't God's will for me to have a chapbook. Ever.

I can't remember how it came about, but sometime last year, I found out that Finishing Line Press was holding a chapbook contest. I went to their website and was excited to read that even if your manuscript didn't place, it would be considered for publication. I knew about Finishing Line Press because many talented poets I know have had their chapbooks published by them. Even though the possibility of being rejected again was huge, I figured, why the hell not? It's not like I'm busy with anything, and this will give me something creative to do besides playing Scrabble on Facebook.

In case you are not familiar with the term, Writer's Digest defines a chapbook as "a small collection of poetry, generally no more than 40 pages, that often centers on a specific theme... It’s typically saddle-stitched (like a pamphlet or magazine) and is a format well suited to smaller print-runs." It's how most poets start out: a few chapbooks, and if you're good, then eventually a full length collection is published.

The work of putting my manuscript together for the contest was as much thrilling as it was depressing. I read through files, years of poetry, and in the end, I found only 30 poems that were maybe, just possibly worthy of being in a collection. So I edited and edited, cut, scrapped and rearranged words and stanzas like a collage of photographs.

When I finally had everything printed out and ready to mail, I prayed. I said something like this, "Lord, I know writing poetry is a gift that You have given me, and some of my poems have been very good, but I know that most people entering this contest are far more talented than I am. So, I've decided to leave the end result up to you, and since I will most likely be rejected, please help me to not get too depressed when I get the 'thanks, but no thanks' results."

Months went by, and I mean so many months that I actually forgot about the contest -well, that could  have a little to do with all the drugs I am on- but then, on the afternoon of January 12th, I woke up, had my chai tea and talked with the Big Guy, and got around to checking my e-mail and there was something from Finishing Line Press, with the subject reading, "CHAPBOOK ACCEPTANCE: water unto light". A few days later I got this in the mail:

Ever since, I have had moments of elation, anxiety, frustration, fear, joy, anger and just plain freaking-the-hell-out -but that emotional struggle I will cover in my next blog. In the meanwhile, please thank God with me, because He is the one who has made this happen! YAAAAH!

expect more errors (a late new year post)

As I began to write this entry, a little window popped up on my computer screen that read something like, "Error: Possible problem with your *allgreek2me file. Expect more errors."

I had to smile, because "Expect more errors" has been a significant part of what God has been trying to teach me this past year of 2013. Come to think of it, it wouldn't be a bad idea if I were to have that line tattooed on the back of my hand for an excruciating five or six hours in every color available until the truth and pain and dye mixed with my blood, traveled up to my skull, and inscribed itself deep in my brain. Then, maybe I'd no longer be surprised when errors occur in my life, because, for some strange reason, I continue to be taken aback when something goes terribly wrong.

Take today, for instance: it was supposed to be a good day, and by today I mean yesterday (I live in the world of nocturnals). The night before (which would be your morning) I planned on going to bed early, just like I plan to do every night, but once again, I tragically failed. You'd think changing a sleeping schedule wouldn't be so hard, but it's extremely complicated, trust me. Some people have judged me as being irresponsible because of my sleeping routine, but it's not like I'm up partying or anything, I just have issues in nearly every part of my human being, and late nights are a symptom of the sickness.

Whenever I try to change my strange sleeping symptom --or any of my other unusual symptoms-- my deep down "error" resists with all it's got. It goes something like this: I take my sleeping medication a few hours before I normally do, hoping I might actually be able to wake up before sunset, but hell no, that little pill gives me the middle finger while sliding all the way down my throat. I can almost hear it laughing, "Ain't gonna happen, loser!" Then, I end up staying awake until dawn, 'til sleep finally finds me.

When I do wake up, and I mean like every time, it is always with pain. Lots of pain. (Jeez this is a happy blog!) So every afternoon or early evening when I wake, I get up, take three different prescription pills (two for pain, plus one muscle relaxer) then I go back into my bed and wait 20 minutes until some of the pain has faded and I can moan my way down the hall.

Last night and today, I attempted my useless approach to normalcy once again: I was going to go to bed before dawn, wake up before 4pm, and get out of the house to have a lovely dinner-and-a-movie with my husband, because, you see, we haven't even gone out to celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary, which was on November 19th, 2013!

But this is life with chronic disorders and pain, which I might be able to accept, if it weren't for the times when I have a couple of days with minimal pain or bother, and the thought occurs, "Hey, I am getting better! I may just be an almost-nearly-normal-girl now!" Oh, but give it a day or two, and  HOLY HELL that damn rug gets pulled out from under me and I'm right back to Heather's-depressing-life-as-a-near-shut-in with my ass on the same old pain-relief cushion, with the same old heating pad, sitting at the same computer, going to the same websites while the television is on some boring channel, like Home and Garden, and my husband is kindly waiting on me. There's usually a dog snuggled beside me though, which is nice.

Over this past year, I have been seeing a true-Godsend-of-a-Christian-counselor, and with her, God has helped me to see that even in this chronic-disorder-almost-useless-life: I am blessed. I am seriously blessed. I can't list the hundreds of ways, but my favorite are my bend-over-backwards, loving husband, my sweet and delightful son, our wonderful dogs and pretty house, my dear supportive mom, my friends, and how all of our needs are always provided for. For no particular reason, God continues to shower His love upon my family and I.

For this coming year of 2014, one of my main prayers is that God will help me to not freak out or become disheartened when those windows of error pop up in my life, but instead, learn to say "God, you are good. You are in control, and even with all these errors, I am still blessed. Thank you."

Pissed-off Posts and Core Values

Last night, one of my close friends pointed out that there are times my Facebook posts scare people. She explained that many of my posts seem to contradict the person that she and my other friends know me to be: kind, non-judgmental and encouraging --which I hope is true.

After I thought about what she said, I acknowledged that I really do love people, and because I am an INFP personality (according to Meyers-Briggs tests) I honestly care about people, and long for them to know and experience the true, liberating and uplifting Love of God.

INFP's are considered "healers" but also "idealists." My personality type has strong, core values and beliefs, and although the majority of the time we are happy and serene, when our values or beliefs are met with opposition, we become... well, let's just call it passionate, although scary may also be a correct term.

Since INFP's are introverts who spend a good deal of time reading and reflecting on the human condition, you can only imagine the many articles, blogs, videos and comments on the internet that make me outraged on a daily basis!

I have gotten better though, believe it or not, as years have taught me to choose my battles. I bite my proverbial tongue far more than I comment or post.

Oh-but-for-goodness-sake the things I come across that enrage me the most come from rotten, untruthful, deceitful theology --the very kind of lies disguised as biblical truths that I was once burdened with, and suffered horribly in my faith as a result!

So today I decided to make a short list of some of my core beliefs and values, and after you read them, perhaps you will understand why I post the kind of passionate, scary, and hopefully challenging things that I do on Facebook.

What I believe:

- The Trinity is LOVE.

- The Trinity loves ALL creation with an incredible passion that no one cannot fully comprehend.

- Jesus redeemed ALL of creation on the cross, so that ALL of creation will be resurrected in perfect, glorified form to live eternally on the New Earth. (Col 1:20)

- Christians are called to LOVE and to be examples of LOVE by LOVING with the LOVE of Jesus, who is LOVE.

- Christians must remember that it is the LOVE of the Trinity that first drew us, and that same LOVE is what draws others.

- Christians cannot, and should not, expect non-Christians to live like Christians.

- Christians cannot pick and choose scriptures to fit their agenda. If Christians are going to make homosexuality an issue, then they better make equal issues of divorce and obesity.

- It is a sin for "Christians" to use guilt, fear, shame or wrath to make "converts."

- In Christ there is neither male nor female, therefore, women should be given any/all roles that are currently available to men in The Body of Christ.

- The letters in the Bible were written for a particular people in a particular culture, and must be read in that context.

- Our Creator ADORES animals and the earth (calling it "good"), and as Christians, we are called to be stewards of the earth/ministers of reconciliation to all creation. This should be reflected in what we choose to eat, wear, purchase, and how we treat the environment.

- Christians should not attempt to come up with reasons for why Christians suffer apart from the many New Testament scriptures that confirm we suffer because Christ suffered, and that in our suffering we receive God's comfort, and that our suffering is not in vain, but has value and glory in the New Earth to come.

-Christians should never ever invalidate another believer's suffering by claiming that their lack of faith is withholding God's healing. (Invalidation is a form of psychological abuse.)

-The most helpful, loving thing a Christian can do for anyone who is suffering, in any kind of way, is to be compassionate and supportive. Do not preach, do not tell them how they should feel or view their situation.

-Even as much as I do not like it: God is in control of all things. According to Job, Satan cannot do anything without God's permission, so all good and bad things are under His control, and we should not EVER try to explain WHY. All we can do is trust He is for us and loves us.

- It is a lie to believe that "God cannot stand in the presence of sin". Sin never was and never will be more powerful than God. If the Accuser aka Satan stands day and night before the throne of God accusing the brethren, then God can totally be in the presence of sin.

Lastly:

- Christians, myself included, do not have all the answers, and that's okay.

This is not a complete list by far (aren't you glad) but as long as people keep posting articles and "inspirational" images (with just a pinch of guilt) contrary to my list above, then I'm going to keep on spreading my passionate, scary and challenging posts on Facebook.

Like I said, I honestly long for people to know the true love of the Trinity, and my passionate posts may not reach many people, but it is my hope that in someway my posts will help un-do the hateful, judgmental and condemning lies about God that well-meaning, but deceived people, toss like yeast in the dough of cyberspace.

What the DUCK? Thoughts on the Outrage over Phil Robertson's Interview with GQ

 

 

If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.  

(1 Corinthians 13: 1-3)

By now, nearly everyone has heard about GQ magazine's recent interview with Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson and how Robertson, when was asked for his definition of sin responded, “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.” He continued by paraphrasing 1 Corinthians 6:9-10.

GQ then goes on to explain that the Duck Dynasty family have been made "into ideal Christian icons..."

Christian icons. That alone is scary.

So ever since the article in GQ was released there has been an uproar from the gay community, and in response, A&E announced that Robertson would be suspended from upcoming Duck Dynasty episodes.

As one would expect, many in the Christian community have responded with an uproar all-their-own because their icon will no longer appear on the show. Thousands of Christians have joined Facebook groups and signed petitions for Robertson. On Christianity Today's website, Chris Stone, founder of Faith Driven Consumer said that Robertson is "being censored and punished for quoting the Bible..."

To be honest, I am outraged too, but not because the Duck Dynasty "king" will no longer be on a show that I never watched. I am outraged because the majority of my fellow Christians are, once again, making a huge fuss over the wrong matter, shaking their fists at A&E and posting, "I stand with Phil Robertson" all over Facebook, as though a mighty injustice has been done to free speech, the right to religious beliefs, and that this ordeal is anti-Christian persecution. I won't go into the reasons why this perspective is sadly inaccurate, but you're welcome to read one of my favorite blogger's posts on the matter: "Real vs. Fake Christian Persecution: how to tell the difference".

Another reason I am outraged is because my fellow Christians are not outraged at the fact that here we have yet another horrible representation of a follower of Jesus! Don't we already have enough of these misleading "Christian icons" with The 700 Club, Joel Osteen, Mark Driscoll, Fox News and their kind? Mr. Robertson and those mentioned above are not spreading the gospel in the way Jesus instructed his followers.

And why the duck is the Christian community giving Robertson an oh-well-we-all-say-stupid-things-sometimes pass over the fact that he said "a vagina... has more there" and "She has more to offer." Is that not a completely disrespectful, undermining, sexually objectifying statement against women? If the pastor of your church said that in a magazine interview, would you be surprised that he was suspended from his position?

In a USA Today opinion piece, Steve Deace explains that this incident with Robertson is giving power to a 'tolerance' society who are trying to make American Christians afraid to publicly declare what the Bible says about sin, and well, this should trouble us, because Jesus never minced words when it came to sin, right?

It's funny, because when I take a good look through the gospels, I see that Jesus was often harsh and painfully honest when pointing out the sins... of the Pharisees, the Teachers of the Law, the hypocrites --those who believed themselves to be the ministers of God's word! Check out Matthew 23 to see what I mean.

On the other hand, when I read the gospels, I do not see Jesus speaking publicly with the same harsh tone he used with the Pharisees. Jesus was not a "bible-thumper" with the crowds, no, to them he proclaimed the love of the Father, admonished them to love one another, to forgive their enemies, and he kinda made a big deal about not judging one another.

While I am outraged at the many "Christian icons" misrepresenting the gospel, I am also thrilled that there is currently a person very much in the public eye: Pope Francis, who was just made person of the year in both Time and the LGBT magazine The Advocate!

Pope Francis is effectively drawing all kinds of people and renewing a global interest in God. How is he doing that? The answer is not hard to see: Pope Francis is actually demonstrating the Father's love! Yes, the Pope's open, loving, non-judgmental ways are truly impacting people, as well as upsetting many conservative, fundamental Christian leaders --and don't think for one moment that is a coincidence! If the Pope is getting the same kind of reaction from religious leaders that Jesus did while he was ministering on earth, then maybe we should take it as a sign that this way of spreading the gospel --with love, not with bible thumping-- is the way Jesus intended!

When it comes to his concerns for the church, Pope Francis recently said that his "hope is that we will be moved by the fear of remaining shut up within structures which give us a false sense of security, within rules which make us harsh judges, within habits which make us feel safe, while at our door people are starving and Jesus does not tire of saying to us, 'Give them something to eat.'"

Now that is something I believe is worthy of Christians to be upset about: the world around us is poor and starving, and there are more of us shouting protest for a man being thrown off his reality show than there are those who are raising their voices to help the people in our cities who have no home, no belongings, and no glorious dining-room table to place a roasted, wild duck upon.

so, i'm 40 now, and my son is 18

there is really too much to say, and i haven't had the energy or desire to put words in this blog. but since my family just experienced two monumental birthdays, i feel compelled to write something.

on the 12th, Jonah turned 18. his dad and i are amazed that he is now a "man" and a wonderful man at that.

to commemorate his 18th year, i put together a scrapbook of photos from his life, as well as letters from us, his grandmothers, aunts and uncles, and family friends. this will not be a scrapbook left on the coffee table for anyone to see, but his personal book to hopefully give him encouragement now, and in future as well.

the idea for the scrapbook came about from some old advice a christian counselor once gave, explaining how other cultures have a "rite of passage" when a child in their family or community becomes an adult.

in the culture Jeremy and i were brought up in, this doesn't seem to be the case. maybe high school graduation does it for some. i didn't have a graduation. i dropped out because of chronic migraines and i actually got my GED before my class graduated. but i never got to throw a square hat up in the air.

from the pictures i've seen of Jeremy's graduation, he wasn't fully present. he's wearing a sly, relaxed smile, and his eyes are small and puffed up. emphasis on puffed.

when we married, Jeremy was one year older than Jonah is now. i know. holy crap, right? we've advised Jonah against going down the same path, unless it is God's will. it was God's will for us, we just didn't know a whole lot about God or what his will actually looks like. we honestly believed we'd be alternative, christian musicians. we wrote songs, we were pretty, and God was going to make us very popular and prosperous as we spread the gospel through our cool, christian songs. oh. boy. how stupid.

thank God Jonah is far wiser and realistic than we were. he doesn't have super, big, crazy expectations about his future. he lives very much in the moment, and his faith in God is strong and steady. he can even verbally express his feeling and thoughts coherently, and get to the bottom of what is going on inside him. Jeremy and i just began learning this technique five or so years ago. no, i'm serious.

i know i cannot control what God brings into Jonah's future life, but i pray pray pray that he has a better, less pain-and-suffering life than we have had. there are lots of christians out there who have it pretty good, and if it is God's will that Jonah be one of them, i'll be very happy. i don't need another reason to be angry and doubt God and his love. seriously. i'm working deeply with my christian counselor on such matters, and it is good, but, as always, scary as hell. scary as hell to trust God? yes.
but i'm not going to go on about that. not now.

i will, however, tell you that on the 15th i turned 40, had a Doctor Who costume party, because that's what i do (i'm really a 10 year old at heart, in case you didn't know) and i was incredibly blessed by my friends and family who attended. even Jeremy's mom was in town to celebrate with us! Jeremy baked Jonah and i cakes, mine was a TARDIS blue, gluten free, vegan cake (soooo yummy) and Jonah's a yellow cake with chocolate fudge icing. then, a few days later, my dear, dear bible study friends threw me a surprise birthday dinner: vegan sushi!!! heck, yes!

so in the end, our birthdays were filled with love, fun and blessings, and i am so grateful to God, and our family and friends who celebrated with us! THANK YOU!!! it means more than you know.