Friday, January 24, 2014
So anyway, my poetry manuscript is GOING TO BE PUBLISHED!
Yeah, it's no biggie. I've only been waiting for this since I was fifteen years old.
I've only submitted manuscripts of my poetry to publishers about half a dozen times within the past 25 years, but the closest I've ever come was receiving an "Honorable Mention" in a chapbook contest that was about six years ago, but it came without publishing. Of course I was thankful for the nod of encouragement, so the following year I submitted to yet another contest and did not receive anything but a rejection letter. After that, I wasn't able to go through the work and frustration again, so I stuck to just writing poems, figuring it wasn't God's will for me to have a chapbook. Ever.
I can't remember how it came about, but sometime last year, I found out that Finishing Line Press was holding a chapbook contest. I went to their website and was excited to read that even if your manuscript didn't place, it would be considered for publication. I knew about Finishing Line Press because many talented poets I know have had their chapbooks published by them. Even though the possibility of being rejected again was huge, I figured, why the hell not? It's not like I'm busy with anything, and this will give me something creative to do besides playing Scrabble on Facebook.
In case you are not familiar with the term, Writer's Digest defines a chapbook as "a small collection of poetry, generally no more than 40 pages, that often centers on a specific theme... It’s typically saddle-stitched (like a pamphlet or magazine) and is a format well suited to smaller print-runs." It's how most poets start out: a few chapbooks, and if you're good, then eventually a full length collection is published.
The work of putting my manuscript together for the contest was as much thrilling as it was depressing. I read through files, years of poetry, and in the end, I found only 30 poems that were maybe, just possibly worthy of being in a collection. So I edited and edited, cut, scrapped and rearranged words and stanzas like a collage of photographs.
When I finally had everything printed out and ready to mail, I prayed. I said something like this, "Lord, I know writing poetry is a gift that You have given me, and some of my poems have been very good, but I know that most people entering this contest are far more talented than I am. So, I've decided to leave the end result up to you, and since I will most likely be rejected, please help me to not get too depressed when I get the 'thanks, but no thanks' results."
Months went by, and I mean so many months that I actually forgot about the contest -well, that could have a little to do with all the drugs I am on- but then, on the afternoon of January 12th, I woke up, had my chai tea and talked with the Big Guy, and got around to checking my e-mail and there was something from Finishing Line Press, with the subject reading, "CHAPBOOK ACCEPTANCE: water unto light". A few days later I got this in the mail:
Ever since, I have had moments of elation, anxiety, frustration, fear, joy, anger and just plain freaking-the-hell-out -but that emotional struggle I will cover in my next blog. In the meanwhile, please thank God with me, because He is the one who has made this happen! YAAAAH!
Sunday, January 12, 2014
expect more errors (a late new year post)
As I began to write this entry, a little window popped up on my computer screen that read something like, "Error: Possible problem with your *allgreek2me file. Expect more errors."
I had to smile, because "Expect more errors" has been a significant part of what God has been trying to teach me this past year of 2013. Come to think of it, it wouldn't be a bad idea if I were to have that line tattooed on the back of my hand for an excruciating five or six hours in every color available until the truth and pain and dye mixed with my blood, traveled up to my skull, and inscribed itself deep in my brain. Then, maybe I'd no longer be surprised when errors occur in my life, because, for some strange reason, I continue to be taken aback when something goes terribly wrong.
Take today, for instance: it was supposed to be a good day, and by today I mean yesterday (I live in the world of nocturnals). The night before (which would be your morning) I planned on going to bed early, just like I plan to do every night, but once again, I tragically failed. You'd think changing a sleeping schedule wouldn't be so hard, but it's extremely complicated, trust me. Some people have judged me as being irresponsible because of my sleeping routine, but it's not like I'm up partying or anything, I just have issues in nearly every part of my human being, and late nights are a symptom of the sickness.
Whenever I try to change my strange sleeping symptom --or any of my other unusual symptoms-- my deep down "error" resists with all it's got. It goes something like this: I take my sleeping medication a few hours before I normally do, hoping I might actually be able to wake up before sunset, but hell no, that little pill gives me the middle finger while sliding all the way down my throat. I can almost hear it laughing, "Ain't gonna happen, loser!" Then, I end up staying awake until dawn, 'til sleep finally finds me.
When I do wake up, and I mean like every time, it is always with pain. Lots of pain. (Jeez this is a happy blog!) So every afternoon or early evening when I wake, I get up, take three different prescription pills (two for pain, plus one muscle relaxer) then I go back into my bed and wait 20 minutes until some of the pain has faded and I can moan my way down the hall.
Last night and today, I attempted my useless approach to normalcy once again: I was going to go to bed before dawn, wake up before 4pm, and get out of the house to have a lovely dinner-and-a-movie with my husband, because, you see, we haven't even gone out to celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary, which was on November 19th, 2013!
But this is life with chronic disorders and pain, which I might be able to accept, if it weren't for the times when I have a couple of days with minimal pain or bother, and the thought occurs, "Hey, I am getting better! I may just be an almost-nearly-normal-girl now!" Oh, but give it a day or two, and HOLY HELL that damn rug gets pulled out from under me and I'm right back to Heather's-depressing-life-as-a-near-shut-in with my ass on the same old pain-relief cushion, with the same old heating pad, sitting at the same computer, going to the same websites while the television is on some boring channel, like Home and Garden, and my husband is kindly waiting on me. There's usually a dog snuggled beside me though, which is nice.
Over this past year, I have been seeing a true-Godsend-of-a-Christian-counselor, and with her, God has helped me to see that even in this chronic-disorder-almost-useless-life: I am blessed. I am seriously blessed. I can't list the hundreds of ways, but my favorite are my bend-over-backwards, loving husband, my sweet and delightful son, our wonderful dogs and pretty house, my dear supportive mom, my friends, and how all of our needs are always provided for. For no particular reason, God continues to shower His love upon my family and I.
For this coming year of 2014, one of my main prayers is that God will help me to not freak out or become disheartened when those windows of error pop up in my life, but instead, learn to say "God, you are good. You are in control, and even with all these errors, I am still blessed. Thank you."
Saturday, January 4, 2014
Pissed-off Posts and Core Values
Last night, one of my close friends pointed out that there are times my Facebook posts scare people. She explained that many of my posts seem to contradict the person that she and my other friends know me to be: kind, non-judgmental and encouraging --which I hope is true.
After I thought about what she said, I acknowledged that I really do love people, and because I am an INFP personality (according to Meyers-Briggs tests) I honestly care about people, and long for them to know and experience the true, liberating and uplifting Love of God.
INFP's are considered "healers" but also "idealists." My personality type has strong, core values and beliefs, and although the majority of the time we are happy and serene, when our values or beliefs are met with opposition, we become... well, let's just call it passionate, although scary may also be a correct term.
Since INFP's are introverts who spend a good deal of time reading and reflecting on the human condition, you can only imagine the many articles, blogs, videos and comments on the internet that make me outraged on a daily basis!
I have gotten better though, believe it or not, as years have taught me to choose my battles. I bite my proverbial tongue far more than I comment or post.
Oh-but-for-goodness-sake the things I come across that enrage me the most come from rotten, untruthful, deceitful theology --the very kind of lies disguised as biblical truths that I was once burdened with, and suffered horribly in my faith as a result!
So today I decided to make a short list of some of my core beliefs and values, and after you read them, perhaps you will understand why I post the kind of passionate, scary, and hopefully challenging things that I do on Facebook.
What I believe:
- The Trinity is LOVE.
- The Trinity loves ALL creation with an incredible passion that no one cannot fully comprehend.
- Jesus redeemed ALL of creation on the cross, so that ALL of creation will be resurrected in perfect, glorified form to live eternally on the New Earth. (Col 1:20)
- Christians are called to LOVE and to be examples of LOVE by LOVING with the LOVE of Jesus, who is LOVE.
- Christians must remember that it is the LOVE of the Trinity that first drew us, and that same LOVE is what draws others.
- Christians cannot, and should not, expect non-Christians to live like Christians.
- Christians cannot pick and choose scriptures to fit their agenda. If Christians are going to make homosexuality an issue, then they better make equal issues of divorce and obesity.
- It is a sin for "Christians" to use guilt, fear, shame or wrath to make "converts."
- In Christ there is neither male nor female, therefore, women should be given any/all roles that are currently available to men in The Body of Christ.
- The letters in the Bible were written for a particular people in a particular culture, and must be read in that context.
- Our Creator ADORES animals and the earth (calling it "good"), and as Christians, we are called to be stewards of the earth/ministers of reconciliation to all creation. This should be reflected in what we choose to eat, wear, purchase, and how we treat the environment.
- Christians should not attempt to come up with reasons for why Christians suffer apart from the many New Testament scriptures that confirm we suffer because Christ suffered, and that in our suffering we receive God's comfort, and that our suffering is not in vain, but has value and glory in the New Earth to come.
-Christians should never ever invalidate another believer's suffering by claiming that their lack of faith is withholding God's healing. (Invalidation is a form of psychological abuse.)
-The most helpful, loving thing a Christian can do for anyone who is suffering, in any kind of way, is to be compassionate and supportive. Do not preach, do not tell them how they should feel or view their situation.
-Even as much as I do not like it: God is in control of all things. According to Job, Satan cannot do anything without God's permission, so all good and bad things are under His control, and we should not EVER try to explain WHY. All we can do is trust He is for us and loves us.
- It is a lie to believe that "God cannot stand in the presence of sin". Sin never was and never will be more powerful than God. If the Accuser aka Satan stands day and night before the throne of God accusing the brethren, then God can totally be in the presence of sin.
Lastly:
- Christians, myself included, do not have all the answers, and that's okay.
This is not a complete list by far (aren't you glad) but as long as people keep posting articles and "inspirational" images (with just a pinch of guilt) contrary to my list above, then I'm going to keep on spreading my passionate, scary and challenging posts on Facebook.
Like I said, I honestly long for people to know the true love of the Trinity, and my passionate posts may not reach many people, but it is my hope that in someway my posts will help un-do the hateful, judgmental and condemning lies about God that well-meaning, but deceived people, toss like yeast in the dough of cyberspace.
Friday, December 20, 2013
What the DUCK? Thoughts on the Outrage over Phil Robertson's Interview with GQ
If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but do not have love, I have become a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy, and know all mysteries and all knowledge; and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. And if I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it profits me nothing.
(1 Corinthians 13: 1-3)
By now, nearly everyone has heard about GQ magazine's recent interview with Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson and how Robertson, when was asked for his definition of sin responded, “Start with homosexual behavior and just morph out from there. Bestiality, sleeping around with this woman and that woman and that woman and those men.” He continued by paraphrasing 1 Corinthians 6:9-10.
GQ then goes on to explain that the Duck Dynasty family have been made "into ideal Christian icons..."
Christian icons. That alone is scary.
So ever since the article in GQ was released there has been an uproar from the gay community, and in response, A&E announced that Robertson would be suspended from upcoming Duck Dynasty episodes.
As one would expect, many in the Christian community have responded with an uproar all-their-own because their icon will no longer appear on the show. Thousands of Christians have joined Facebook groups and signed petitions for Robertson. On Christianity Today's website, Chris Stone, founder of Faith Driven Consumer said that Robertson is "being censored and punished for quoting the Bible..."
To be honest, I am outraged too, but not because the Duck Dynasty "king" will no longer be on a show that I never watched. I am outraged because the majority of my fellow Christians are, once again, making a huge fuss over the wrong matter, shaking their fists at A&E and posting, "I stand with Phil Robertson" all over Facebook, as though a mighty injustice has been done to free speech, the right to religious beliefs, and that this ordeal is anti-Christian persecution. I won't go into the reasons why this perspective is sadly inaccurate, but you're welcome to read one of my favorite blogger's posts on the matter: "Real vs. Fake Christian Persecution: how to tell the difference".
Another reason I am outraged is because my fellow Christians are not outraged at the fact that here we have yet another horrible representation of a follower of Jesus! Don't we already have enough of these misleading "Christian icons" with The 700 Club, Joel Osteen, Mark Driscoll, Fox News and their kind? Mr. Robertson and those mentioned above are not spreading the gospel in the way Jesus instructed his followers.
And why the duck is the Christian community giving Robertson an oh-well-we-all-say-stupid-things-sometimes pass over the fact that he said "a vagina... has more there" and "She has more to offer." Is that not a completely disrespectful, undermining, sexually objectifying statement against women? If the pastor of your church said that in a magazine interview, would you be surprised that he was suspended from his position?
In a USA Today opinion piece, Steve Deace explains that this incident with Robertson is giving power to a 'tolerance' society who are trying to make American Christians afraid to publicly declare what the Bible says about sin, and well, this should trouble us, because Jesus never minced words when it came to sin, right?
It's funny, because when I take a good look through the gospels, I see that Jesus was often harsh and painfully honest when pointing out the sins... of the Pharisees, the Teachers of the Law, the hypocrites --those who believed themselves to be the ministers of God's word! Check out Matthew 23 to see what I mean.
On the other hand, when I read the gospels, I do not see Jesus speaking publicly with the same harsh tone he used with the Pharisees. Jesus was not a "bible-thumper" with the crowds, no, to them he proclaimed the love of the Father, admonished them to love one another, to forgive their enemies, and he kinda made a big deal about not judging one another.
While I am outraged at the many "Christian icons" misrepresenting the gospel, I am also thrilled that there is currently a person very much in the public eye: Pope Francis, who was just made person of the year in both Time and the LGBT magazine The Advocate!
Pope Francis is effectively drawing all kinds of people and renewing a global interest in God. How is he doing that? The answer is not hard to see: Pope Francis is actually demonstrating the Father's love! Yes, the Pope's open, loving, non-judgmental ways are truly impacting people, as well as upsetting many conservative, fundamental Christian leaders --and don't think for one moment that is a coincidence! If the Pope is getting the same kind of reaction from religious leaders that Jesus did while he was ministering on earth, then maybe we should take it as a sign that this way of spreading the gospel --with love, not with bible thumping-- is the way Jesus intended!
When it comes to his concerns for the church, Pope Francis recently said that his "hope is that we will be moved by the fear of remaining shut up within structures which give us a false sense of security, within rules which make us harsh judges, within habits which make us feel safe, while at our door people are starving and Jesus does not tire of saying to us, 'Give them something to eat.'"
Now that is something I believe is worthy of Christians to be upset about: the world around us is poor and starving, and there are more of us shouting protest for a man being thrown off his reality show than there are those who are raising their voices to help the people in our cities who have no home, no belongings, and no glorious dining-room table to place a roasted, wild duck upon.
Saturday, September 28, 2013
so, i'm 40 now, and my son is 18
there is really too much to say, and i haven't had the energy or desire to put words in this blog. but since my family just experienced two monumental birthdays, i feel compelled to write something.
on the 12th, Jonah turned 18. his dad and i are amazed that he is now a "man" and a wonderful man at that.
to commemorate his 18th year, i put together a scrapbook of photos from his life, as well as letters from us, his grandmothers, aunts and uncles, and family friends. this will not be a scrapbook left on the coffee table for anyone to see, but his personal book to hopefully give him encouragement now, and in future as well.
the idea for the scrapbook came about from some old advice a christian counselor once gave, explaining how other cultures have a "rite of passage" when a child in their family or community becomes an adult.
in the culture Jeremy and i were brought up in, this doesn't seem to be the case. maybe high school graduation does it for some. i didn't have a graduation. i dropped out because of chronic migraines and i actually got my GED before my class graduated. but i never got to throw a square hat up in the air.
from the pictures i've seen of Jeremy's graduation, he wasn't fully present. he's wearing a sly, relaxed smile, and his eyes are small and puffed up. emphasis on puffed.
when we married, Jeremy was one year older than Jonah is now. i know. holy crap, right? we've advised Jonah against going down the same path, unless it is God's will. it was God's will for us, we just didn't know a whole lot about God or what his will actually looks like. we honestly believed we'd be alternative, christian musicians. we wrote songs, we were pretty, and God was going to make us very popular and prosperous as we spread the gospel through our cool, christian songs. oh. boy. how stupid.
thank God Jonah is far wiser and realistic than we were. he doesn't have super, big, crazy expectations about his future. he lives very much in the moment, and his faith in God is strong and steady. he can even verbally express his feeling and thoughts coherently, and get to the bottom of what is going on inside him. Jeremy and i just began learning this technique five or so years ago. no, i'm serious.
i know i cannot control what God brings into Jonah's future life, but i pray pray pray that he has a better, less pain-and-suffering life than we have had. there are lots of christians out there who have it pretty good, and if it is God's will that Jonah be one of them, i'll be very happy. i don't need another reason to be angry and doubt God and his love. seriously. i'm working deeply with my christian counselor on such matters, and it is good, but, as always, scary as hell. scary as hell to trust God? yes.
but i'm not going to go on about that. not now.
i will, however, tell you that on the 15th i turned 40, had a Doctor Who costume party, because that's what i do (i'm really a 10 year old at heart, in case you didn't know) and i was incredibly blessed by my friends and family who attended. even Jeremy's mom was in town to celebrate with us! Jeremy baked Jonah and i cakes, mine was a TARDIS blue, gluten free, vegan cake (soooo yummy) and Jonah's a yellow cake with chocolate fudge icing. then, a few days later, my dear, dear bible study friends threw me a surprise birthday dinner: vegan sushi!!! heck, yes!
so in the end, our birthdays were filled with love, fun and blessings, and i am so grateful to God, and our family and friends who celebrated with us! THANK YOU!!! it means more than you know.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
i am INFP, what are you?
do you know what personality type you are? finding out may liberate you, as it did for me.
i have always wondered (and often hated) why i am so odd/unusual/freakish, and why i have needs and habits i cannot shake, such as the need to spend a lot of time alone, or why i am often disorganized and unmotivated. why do i feel so incredibly passionate about certain things, like raising awareness about the horrors of meat industry, and for fellow believers to really "get" and experience the love God has for them, and the freedom that is found in His love!
so, i took many different versions of the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator tests that are available on-line, and my results kept coming up INFP. but before i get into that, here are the 16 different personality types, and four different categories those types fit into, according to Myers-Briggs:
after reading about my type, it was as if God was saying to me,"You are the way you are, because I made you that way!" which was very reassuring. of course, not all of the attributes of an INFP apply to me (like being shy or reserved), but the majority of them do.
here's a breakdown of the letters INFP:
here's a summary of an INFP:
INFP is rare personality type, making up about 4 % of the population.
INFPs are the flower children of the personality types. They never lose their sense of wonder. As children INFPs will live in both the fantasy and the real world, switching back and forth effortlessly. Their imaginations are vast and they are the children whose toys come to life and who have imaginary friends. Some INFPs claim that everything has a "soul", animals and humans alike. (Yep, that's me!)
INFPs, more than other iNtuitive Feeling types, are focused on making the world a better place.
INFPs are passionate about their values, and find meaning in supporting the personal development of others. They easily recognize the possibilities for growth in themselves and others, and often have a vision for how to heal the world around them. INFPs often feel dejected because of the numerous bad things happening in the world and try hard to create something positive within it.
An INFP views their conflicts as being on a grander scale relating to all situations – not simply in the moment, but looking at all of life as Good vs. Evil. INFPs believe that good always triumphs over evil and will want to spread this message to anyone who will listen.
INFPs always have a sense of other-worldliness about them and are often caught day-dreaming.
Many writers and poets are INFPs, as they may be awkward and uncomfortable with expressing themselves verbally, but have a wonderful ability to define and express what they're feeling on paper.
INFPs have a strong sense of metaphor. They may ascribe human characteristics to animals or inanimate objects. For example, they may see a fly sitting on the glass and wonder what it is thinking, then come up with a meaningful story about how it feels to be separated from everything you desire by an invisible wall.
INFPs feel restricted by rules and structure and have a hard time performing job tasks that do not connect to their values. INFPs do not like to deal with hard facts and logic. Their focus on their
feelings and the Human Condition makes it difficult for them to deal with
impersonal judgment. The INFP is not particularly driven by money or status, preferring work that aligns with their personal values and allows them to help others.
Although they view the world in a joyous manner, INFPs are not exempt from feeling down at times; they struggle to maintain ethical perfection and will feel as if they failed when they are being anything less than "perfect" in the humanitarian sense. Of all types, INFPs are most likely to report suicidal thoughts.
There is a crusading side to the INFP. When personal values or beliefs are trodden on, the INFP can become outspoken and turn on the transgressor. The INFP becomes like a champion of the causes they hold dear, and will be expressive, animated and at times go for the jugular.
INFPs do not like to be categorised. They value their autonomy, and feel "different", and like that.
INFPs have deep emotions which are often hidden until a circumstance reveals them. Their abstract thinking, related to the prefrontal cortex, suggests that INFPs have deeper emotions then most.
Highly creative, artistic and spiritual, INFPs can produce wonderful works of art, music and literature. INFPs find great satisfaction if they develop their artistic abilities. That doesn't mean that an INFP has to be a famous writer or painter in order to be content. Simply the act of "creating" will be a fulfilling source of renewal and refreshment to the INFP.
^ this is me back in the 90's!
Some famous INFP's are C.S. Lewis, J.R.R. Tolkien, Sylvia Plath, Virginia Woolf, Edgar Allan Poe, Shakespeare, John Lennon, Kurt Cobain, J.K. Rowling, Tim Burton, Florence Welch, Thom Yorke and Morrissey.
if you are interested in finding out what personality type you are, go here:
or for a shorter version:
Thursday, January 24, 2013
small-ish
I feel as though I am still waking from the strange dream of December.
I am here, but not yet fully alert.
On Christmas day, Jeremy, Jonah and I opened presents and Jeremy made us a wonderful dinner.
I am so grateful for my two guys. They are the two most precious people in the world to me.
Christmastime comes these days (or past few years) with memories and the heartache of missing those times when we were a young, married couple, when Jonah was a little boy, of how at Christmas we traveled to see my parents, sister and nephew in Georgia, then drove through to Alabama to see Jeremy's family. We took for granted that such times would end, that our fathers would be gone, and our traditions and gatherings gone with them. The whole family dynamic changes when the patriarch of a family dies.
Thankfully, this year, we did get to see family during the month of December. My sister and her son were able to come out before Christmas, on the weekend of the 15th, for our Hobbit Holiday Celebration. Then Jeremy's family came to visit us a few days after Christmas. There were nine guests altogether that time, and it was wonderful to have a house full of those we love!
I am grateful to God for making it possible for our family to visit us, because we really cannot travel these days, so our time with family is very precious.
I didn't get to see my mom this Christmas or last Christmas either, which was hard. You see, my mother was at the heart our family Christmases. When my sister and I were little, she went above and beyond at Christmastime, and my father played a huge part too. There were about 20 boxes of Christmas decor which were strewn all over the house --inside and out. There were cookies to be baked, letters for Santa, Christmas caroling, parties, and then Christmas morning, which was the best.
My mom carried on with most of our family Christmas traditions for a couple of years after dad died, but then we were unable to travel out to see her (or even Jeremy's family) and suddenly all of us --our mothers, siblings and their families-- found our Christmases to be much smaller, if not much lonelier. Maybe if we had not known how big and magical Christmas could be, then our Christmases today would not seem so small and empty. I am not saying we take Christmas for granted now. Like I said, I love my two guys, I love our extended family who are able to visit us. We all have much more than many, many people in the world. We just have grown older, and the holidays that were, are no more, and will never be again... and this is why people have mid-life crisis... you never imagine the good times will end...
or to think, in a few years time, your Christmases may be even smaller.
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