to ALL you MEAN CHRISTIANS, i am blessed!

this morning i have been the recipient of very unkind words. one from a stranger, and the other from an old, high school acquaintance --on my own FB page-- who in one breath called himself a Christian, and then called me a lying whore. i believe he was drunk, as he also posted horrible accusations and political comments beneath my post about the anniversary of my dad's suicide, which is tomorrow. i unfriended and blocked him after giving him many opportunities to stop his onslaught of ugly posts.

this is not the first time i have been judged and "corrected" by other Christians --or even by Christians in my own family! i will not say it does not hurt, because it does, but tonight while talking with Christ, he reminded me that i should rejoice and consider myself blessed, so with his help, i will do so, and pray he also gives me his heart to forgive and pray for those who have offended me.

In Matthew 5: 11-12, Jesus said, “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you."

i do not want to deny that i am also guilty of hurting fellow Christians with my words, and i regret ever doing so, and pray they will (or have) been able to forgive me. recently, in a bible study i am blessed to be a part of, a friend read something from a book she is studying that read something along these lines: even if you are telling the truth, or correcting someone with the truth, if it is not done in love, then it is a sin. wow. that hit home.

it is hard for me to keep quiet though when i see fellow Christians acting like unloving, law-driven pharisees. i need to pray about how to react to these kinds of people. in scripture, these are the same people Jesus got REALLY ANGRY with, like rope-whipping, yelling-in-their-face angry!

i find it so easy and natural to have grace and love unbelievers, but someone being a hard-hearted, self-righteous,  defensive, bible-verse-spouting pharisee just makes me want to grab a whip myself and do some yelling-in-the-face, "you idiot! you say you worship Christ --the God of Love-- and yet you are being the complete opposite! you are doing great harm! you are giving our faith a terrible name! stop it!"

it is funny though, or interesting, i should say --in a shockingly disgusting sort of way-- that the majority of opposition i have received in my walk with God has come from other Christians. maybe this is because i am an easy target as i open up my heart and life, reveal my struggles, questions, convictions and thoughts as i truly try to seek God, especially in these 18 years of chronic physical suffering, as well as deep emotional suffering.

now, i will be the first to admit that i am SCREWED-UP and in great need of God's grace and love and, well, everything! i know the self-destructive, selfish sinner  that i am apart from him, and i am tremendously grateful for all he has done and IS doing in my life and in my family! 

so, i'd like you to see below just one way i opened myself up, tried to encourage a brother, only to be the recipient of mean words from a fellow Christian. the morning after the election i wrote on a friend's page:

 ^"i didn't vote. in fact, i've never voted, and my reasons are religious as well as personal. that being said, may i encourage you that our God is in control. His Word reminds us that anyone placed in government/worldly leadership is put there by His will. we don't know why, but our trust is in Him, our all-powerful and loving Father, not any human leader. i have been very encouraged by the following article a friend shared with me. i have read it many times over in the past few weeks. i hope you will be encouraged by it too: http://jenhatmaker.com/blog/2012/10/16/the-election-thoughts-from-a-christian-independent."

then a complete stranger posted in response, "Heather for you to forgo your right to vote for any reason makes me very sad!!! I am a veteran, but I am a Christian as well....nowhere in the teachings of my Church nor in my bible, I read the NIV...have I heard or read anything that would keep me from voting! I have always been a believer of God and Country...and to vote ensures that both are alive and well! The blood of men and women that you will never know was shed to insure you that right!! You have no right to feel encouraged or discouraged as you gave up that right by not voting..... In actuality you are more of a part of the problem then any encouragement you could ever offer as a consolation!! Just my humble opinion....."

his post was "liked" by 4 other strangers.

i responded, "[name withheld] you are judging me and accusing me of being part of the problem, and you say that is your "humble opinion"??? you do not know me in the slightest, brother, and i ask you not to judge my personal, God-led conviction. i completely respect Christians who feel led to vote, and with the love of Christ, i would appreciate the same. i forgive you for being so judgmental and harsh. i will obey what God tells me personally to do, no matter who i may disappoint or receive undue judgment from, even those who claim to follow the same Jesus. i hope in future situations, you are able to do the same...but with love and true humility.

P.S. [name withheld] and those who "liked" his judgmental post: i apologize that my conviction offends you. that was not my intent at all. i was only trying to encourage my friend and brother-in-Christ. God bless."

now, i do want to point out here, how thankful i am to those of you who truly know me, love me, and pray for me! i pray God will bless you. i am so grateful to have true brothers and sisters in Christ. God has been answering your prayers, and the last medical procedure i had is finally giving me a good deal of relief! my doctor, who preformed the procedure, is an incredible Christian, and he even prayed with me beforehand! it took about 3-4 weeks to kick in, but it is working so well that i was just able to go on vacation with my family to the mountains, and our time there was SO BLESSED by God! i have not been able to travel (or do much of anything) in over a year, so i am grateful to you, your prayers and encouragement, and to God for His grace and loving kindness!

I AM BLESSED!

dying means everything

i have realized, at long last, what i have always known but never took time to practice: all the things i have imagined as "the stuff of life", mean nothing. my face, your face, they mean nothing. my size, age, home, financial status, nothing. my personality, my tastes, as well as yours, again, nothing. my art, your art, they mean nothing. accomplishments, nothing. good deeds, nothing. although these things may be good, like my art or your art --as it may help express our emotions and even touch other people's lives-- but the fact is: our art, our work, our tastes, personalities, home, size, face are temporal. in fact, all these things we take such great stock in are so very temporal, that unto the eternal, they are considered as chaff in the wind.

good lord, how frightening this realization is at first, for all of spend years --our lifetimes-- believing otherwise. i realize the mentality of many artists --myself included-- often count ourselves as something special that the world has not yet discovered, or maybe the world is beginning to discover --or worse-- if the world has snatched us from the crowd and put us on a grand display, then we feel we must strive to maintain our work, we set the bar higher and higher, to prove that we are, indeed, the unique one among the rest, worthy of attention and praise and love. i have yet to meet a secure artist. we have moments when we feel powerful, yet in truth, we are constantly powerless and frightened, just like the rest of humanity.

Matthew 16:25 Jesus says, "Those who want to save their lives will lose them. But those who lose their lives for me will find them."

or more interestingly said in The Message Bible: Then Jesus went to work on his disciples. “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to finding yourself, your true self. What kind of deal is it to get everything you want but lose yourself? What could you ever trade your soul for?

one month ago, my counselor shared two important things with me, one, do not resist your suffering, accept that you have it. this does not mean you have to be happy about your suffering, but acknowledge you have this disorder. too much energy is wasted resisting it, and it causes depression. two, invite God into every part of your suffering. e-v-e-r-y part.

since then, God has been revealing many things to me by his spirit and word...like what i wrote above. old, ancient teachings about dying to self, and i am now just scratching the surface. indeed, he knows the pace at which to teach each of his children about his mysteries. some catch on quickly, some slowly, some not at all.

so i am currently mimicking Mary, who "treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart," as i explore with Christ what it really means to deny myself, take up my cross daily and follow Him.

bad shape

at this writing, tomorrow (wednesday) will be 2 weeks since my Botox nerve block, and as of right now, it seems as though it was a complete waste of time and money. my PGAD is as bad as ever.

i had to "take care" of my "problem" for over 2 hours on Saturday night, but even after more "O's" than i can count, IT never felt sated, and despite all the damn meds i am on, i sit here presently in horrible discomfort. even this laptop i am typing on, which is sitting on top of a pillow on my lap is nearly unbearable.

i am at a loss.

the Botox plus the anesthetic cost over $1,000. that's a thousand plus dollars for nothing...again.
and no, we do not have medical insurance, and are still making payments on my last two nerve blocks.

on the subject of suffering, there are two Christian books i am currently reading. one, which i mentioned in my last couple of entries is called Being Well When We're Ill: Wholeness and Hope in Spite of Infirmity by Marva Dawn, and the other book is Be Still, My Soul (25 Classic and Contemporary Readings on the Problem of Pain): Embracing God's Purpose and Provision in Suffering edited by Nancy Gutherie and includes writings by famous Christian writers from Philip Yancey and Joni Eareckson Tada, to Corrie ten Boom and Dietrich Bonhoeffer. both books are good, but what troubles me about them is that despite all of these authors insights and understandings of a child of God's suffering, is that the suffering they are referring to is physical pain.

i know what physical pain is. for years i had migraines so severe and interfered with my life so badly that i had to drop out of high school. (i got my G.E.D. right away which was far easier than enduring the agony of high school.)

the difference between suffering with physical pain and PGAD is that with PGAD, the sufferer is eventually forced to try and relieve themselves in a hateful, self-degrading fashion, which may or may not provide relief. if relief is granted, then five or so days might go by without any discomfort and life can be enjoyed happily. however, if relief is not provided, that means the sensations will actually become worse, and at a faster rate than before the sufferer was forced to molest themselves.

over the years i have been asked at different times by different people, 'Why don't you just not do it?' and in response i try to explain that asking such a question is like suggesting to someone who has an overly full, painful bladder to just not urinate. it's ridiculous. i simply cannot express in words how terrible the sensations can become and the sense of urgency that goes with them, but i can assure you, it is unbearable.

physical pain, on the other hand, can sometimes be helped with pain medication. in the case of the migraines i had suffered, hydrocodone would take the pain away 100%, and even without pain medication the migraine would eventually go away on it's own! this is not so with PGAD. pain meds only help a little and sometimes they don't help at all, and, in my case, the arousal sensations never ever go away on their own. they only increase day-by-day until i must perform the dreaded deed and sweat and exhaust myself and plead with God for hours to please, PLEASE let this orgasm be the last one that will bring relief ...and then have to have 10 more in a row, only to wake the next morning to find the sensations have not been relieved and feel them rapidly intensify during the long hours of the day. it is maddening!!! it causes me great anxiety and depression. it is pure and utter torture. torture i have had to endure for 18 years!!!

there is a woman who is a member of the on-line PGAD Support Group who has had PGAD her entire life, and she is now in her 70's! i can tell you now, i won't make it to my 70's with this. i have told God as much. i doubt i'll make it into my 50's like this either. i'm far too weak and growing tired of fighting, of praying, of hoping, of trying new medications and procedures... i am nearly spent, and don't know what more God requires of me. i'd love to "rest" or "trust in God" like people and books encourage me to do, but unless these people or writers have had PGAD for 18 years, i find their words empty, and even insulting. i have tried and pleaded with him to help me rest and trust, dammit, believe me!

the other day i asked God if it were possible, could he let me swap this disorder for the migraines i used to have. i told him i'm pretty sure he doesn't make bargains like that, but if he did, i could endure it until i died in my old age. otherwise, he had better hurry up and help me.

on the bright side...

i know, i know, you hear it often from other believers, "It's amazing, but God always seems to meet me right where I'm at", whether it be a teaching, a devotional, or in my case, the current book i am reading, "How to be Well when You're Ill" by Marva Dawn.

whatever issue i seem to be struggling with, 9 times out of 10 the chapter i open and read is concerning that issue. i can't believe this is coincidence.

today my issue was about feeling useless...feeling useless because of how my infirmities make every day things difficult or impossible to do. there are several things which are hard for me to do, one is to make plans, such as to have coffee or dinner with friends. so today's chapter was on this subject, and very encouraging.

i don't take things for granted as much anymore. for instance, i was very blessed (though also very scared) when my wonderful friend Emily wanted me to throw a birthday dinner party for me last friday. although the week had been hellish, God had grace upon me, and i felt well enough to have dinner with my friends, and it was a huge blessing to me. i was also able to have dinner a couple of nights later with my husband and son, and such moments are so precious to me. oh yeah, i'm 39 now  by-the-way. i'm not sure how that happened, but it did.

there are a few other things i in my life that i like to do that are also difficult. like standing or walking for long periods of time, and by long, i mean about 20 minutes. my back simply cannot support my frame well enough, and pain and fatigue sets in. i also really enjoy creating art, and like most women, i feel better when my house is relatively clean and organized. my back limits these activities as well. so i've had to learn not put pressure on myself, and do things when i am able. Jeremy and Jonah help a lot with the house, thankfully, and i create art (collages, necklaces, etc.) when i am up to it, which is a nice outlet and distraction for me.

i have been blessed that a woman found a cross collage i made and have for sale in my Etsy store, and has commissioned me to make 6 of them! it's taking me some time to make them, but they should be done by sunday. i am quite aware that this is a blessing from God. He is using me to bless others with my creations, and that means so much to me.

my prayer is that i will become well enough to do more for Him, but even if i do not, that i will find my contentment in Him, like the poet Milton did, when he went blind, followed by the death of his wife and not long after, his beloved son. considering his blindness, grief and inability to serve God with "day-labour" as he longed to, he wrote this poem:

Sonnet XIX: When I Consider How my Light is Spent

When I consider how my light is spent
Ere half my days in this dark world and wide,
And that one talent which is death to hide
Lodg'd with me useless, though my soul more bent
To serve therewith my Maker, and present
My true account, lest he returning chide,
"Doth God exact day-labour, light denied?"
I fondly ask. But Patience, to prevent
That murmur, soon replies: "God doth not need
Either man's work or his own gifts: who best
Bear his mild yoke, they serve him best. His state
Is kingly; thousands at his bidding speed
And post o'er land and ocean without rest:
They also serve who only stand and wait.


indeed, "They also serve who only stand and wait" are comforting words to me.

botox and lamenting

i'm simply here to write about today's procedure, and to pour out my emotions, mainly my fears and anxiety. please, i would appreciate if no one tries to comfort me or "correct" my feelings... in case you didn't know, doing so is called invalidation, and it is very hurtful, and very common. it happens when you do not enter into another person's pain with them, and try to change the way they are thinking and feeling. even though your intentions may be to "help", you are actually further burdening the person in pain. you can get a quick lesson here: INVALIDATION  it's a good read. no really. go read it. everyone needs a good lesson on the subject or a reminder of how harmful it is, even me.

so i had a nerve block today using Botox... right at the site of the problem, or should i say "directly into" the problem area. it hurt less than i feared it would, as the doctor did a local anesthetic so i never even felt the Botox injection, but what did disturb me is that even though i was thoroughly numbed "down there" i could still feel the PGAD. i guess the sensations are much deeper in the tissue than i realized.

unfortunately, the female clitoris has about five-thousand freakin' nerves... 5,000!!! so it is very possible that the Botox is NOT going to effect all of them.

my doctor informed me that 1) the Botox will not take full effect for two weeks 2) i will probably be in a lot of pain tomorrow and it will take a couple of days until i am better, and 3) he hopes that the Botox will not impede my ability to climax when i am forced to "relieve" myself.

Botox stays in your system for 3 months. so i could be looking at 3 months of torment or relief. in 14 days we'll know.

so with all this weighing in the balance, as you might imagine, i am freaking out a bit.

normally when i get scared/ have anxiety, i become immobilized, and then the dark weight of depression descends as i start to think about how i may never be free from this condition. i pray and pour out all my fears in God's presence, and tell Him how i cannot comprehend why He has allowed such suffering into my life --suffering that is beyond my control, that is no longer manageable with medications, suffering that is so overwhelming physically, mentally and emotionally and takes me to the very edge of my sanity. i tell Him that i love Him but am also angry with Him. this is not the life i wanted... i never wanted to "share in the sufferings of Christ" like this... not for the past 18 fucking years, and who knows how much longer???

it's not as though i haven't been proactive, dammit. i have seen 4 different doctors these past 12 months: my family practitioner, a urogynecologist, a pain management doctor, and my current doctor who specializes in many areas. i have had 5 MRI's, 2 painful and unsuccessful spinal nerve blocks. i drastically changed my diet, quit smoking, and tried a slew of medications. i seek God continually and pray constantly. i read His word as well as helpful, teaching Christian books everyday, and i just started seeing a female christian counselor... still there's been no change in my PGAD. i even suffer when i'm asleep as my dreams are awful and disturbing.

i tell God that He knows, only He knows how truly weak i am. He knows my thoughts and He knows that i crumble when i am in torment. He knows that i am often frightened beyond comprehension.

sometimes i wish i were really sick, like i had something terminal and painful, not suffering with unwanted, chronic arousal that does not serve any purpose. sometimes i think i would prefer pain over this embarrassing disorder.

of course, my true desire is to LIVE, but to live without PGAD! despite my suffering, i honestly have an incredible life: i have a loving, wonderful husband, a beautiful, sweetheart of a son, two adorable dogs, great friends, and we actually own a house that is my dream home! all these wonderful gifts are all around me, and i only get to truly enjoy them a few days out of a month, if that.

i'm not giving up. not any time soon. i plan to press on...to keep trying to place my trust in God, or rather, as i have been praying, "Lord, build trust in me for you, because i do not possess it within myself,"and even as i pray that, anxiety rises up in my throat, and i have to swallow hard. take a deep breath.

my son turns 17

today my son Jonah turned 17. i don't really know how it is possible that he is 17, when i can so clearly remember the day he was born, and the beautiful baby he was, then a blond, curly-haired toddler, then an adorable, laughing little boy, then a big boy, pre-teen, teenager...and now...17???

yes indeed, Jonah, my little big-boy is 17, and he is simply amazing --and not because of anything Jeremy or i did. Jonah was born with a huge, gentle and compassionate heart that God fashioned within him. although Jonah has certainly gone through some very rough times because of the mess that Jeremy and i were for so long, Jonah has also seen how real and loving God is and how He has changed us with His love, and Jonah loves God as well, which, of course, makes me extremely grateful.

my heart is overwhelmed with love for my son, and i am so proud of how grown-up he is. for almost a year now, Jonah has worked two days a week with his father in sales, and when i finally saw Jonah at work, he was so professional and mature i could hardly believe that was my "baby" interacting with strangers and running a cash register!

 

Jonah is very into cars, cars that ride low. a few years ago Jeremy and Jonah did incredible body work on his truck (which was my father's) and gave it a new grill and bumper, new wheels and rims, a new paint job, and of course they lowered it! it looks so cool. then, just recently, Jeremy got Jonah another car to be a fixer-upper. i couldn't tell you anything about it...except that i am so grateful that my husband supports his son's interests and dreams and that they get to do cool projects like that together. Jeremy is a great father who adores his son, and they are my two favorite people in the entire world.

Jonah is also a skater. he loves skating as much as he loves cars, if not more. nearly everyday he and his best friend Chris go out skating. i will hear, "hey Mom, we're gonna go skate, okay?" i call back, "Okay! be safe! i love you!" "K!" he replies, "love you too!" then i hear his truck start up and drive away, and i take a deeeeep breath and pray, "Lord, please keep him safe. Keep Jonah and Chris safe in every way today."

as a mother, i of course want all the best for my son, and i especially never want him to be hurt emotionally, physically or spiritually...but i also realize all those things are not in my control, but in God's hands. i also know that my hopes may be unrealistic, as pain comes when living in this world...but some people suffer far less than others, and if it's possible that Jonah can suffer less in his life than what his father and i have (and continue to suffer with) please, Lord, let it be so!

my heart's true prayer for Jonah is that no matter what, he will always have a relationship with God, even when things go wrong, when things hurt --and when and if something awful comes to pass and all he can do is curse God and be angry at Him, that he will remember, in the end, how much his parents and The Trinity love him. i believe that is Jeremy's and my deepest longing for our son, and i believe it is God's deepest longing for him as well... and i believe it will be so for Jonah, who was born with, and lives with, the precious, caring heart that God gave him. i am beyond blessed to call myself Jonah's mother. i have known no greater joy than witnessing him grow from a baby into a young man. so i thank you, Heavenly Father, for Jonah, our beloved "Dove of Peace".

huge, small miracles

for nearly 3 weeks now, i have not had more than a 24 hour break from my PGAD. today and tonight i have been battling against thoughts of hopelessness and despair, and i have been praying. a lot.

i know that it is God who gets me through. no doubt. and He has done some major things in my life over the past few months.

for one, i quit smoking, something i never imagined doing, but i experienced a horrendous sinus headache (no infection according to the doctor) that was so bad that the thought of smoking another cigarette ever again made me sick, so i just stopped. it was far easier than i thought it would be, so i know it was through His strength in me that i was able to quit. (on a side note here: My headache was so severe my sweet son had to drive me to the doctors. he's just an amazing young man that i adore and love with all my heart.)

i also stopped drinking Coca-cola, which i was just as addicted to as smoking. i quit diet soda too. now i have about one or two cups of chai tea a day with stevia and almond milk.

almond milk? yes, because i also quit dairy.

i eat fruits and vegetables on a daily basis now too, instead of all that refined crap i was eating.

then, about a week ago, i quit wheat and gluten.

i also starting seeing a female christian counselor that i really, really like. she is the one who suggested i may want to stop eating gluten because studies have been found that gluten effects the peripheral nerves (nerves outside of the spinal cord). i researched it, and she's right.

i'd like to say i am feeling a huge difference in my health, but the only thing i have noticed is that since i quit smoking, my sinus headaches have reduced by about 85%. crazy. i am so thankful.

so no smoking, no soda, eating healthy, no dairy, no gluten and seeing a counselor are all huge, small miracles that God has lead me to do, as well as giving me the strength to make the changes with ease.

exercise is the next step, which i am praying He will help me to do.

still, i linger beneath this dark shadow of unpredictable, and chronic PGAD.

i will soon be seeing Dr Redmond so he can test my O.I. muscle (in my pelvis) to see if it has unrelenting tightness. if it does, we are going to try botox injections, which i pray will work.
the heaviness of this burden is so difficult to bear, and i am praying He will use Dr Redmond to bring me some relief.

i am currently reading a book that a friend of mine gave me, and i think it is the best book on suffering and our relationship with God that i have ever come across. mind you, i have moments when i struggle with what the author is saying, although i know it to be true, and as i press on through the book, it has proven very encouraging.

the book is Being Well When We're Ill: Wholeness and Hope in Spite of Infirmity by Marva Dawn, a christian teacher and author who is completely blind in one eye, with partial vision in the other, and she only has use of one leg. she wrote this book from her own struggles, and truly knows what it is like to be a child of God who suffers and the mental/emotional/spiritual battles we face. i highly recommend it for those who suffer, but also for those who have a suffering family member or friend, in order to better comprehend what chronic suffering is like for an afflicted child of God.