gratitude

i'm not out the clear. i'm still having symptoms. i'm still having a hard time getting out of bed before 4 --or sometimes even 5pm-- because i just want to sleep and not have to deal with reality: the symptoms and anxiety and depression.

but some things have shifted, and i am fully aware that it is God's doing. for one, i have experienced Him reaching out to me through believers and non-believers alike: so many friends and family have been writing and calling me --old friends from my childhood, old friends from Florida, and my dear friends and family across the US, here in Columbia, and even all the way from South Africa! prayers and love and encouragement have been been showered upon me. Jeremy's cousins even spent time fasting and praying for me. how incredible is that?

the shift may not be radical, but it's a few steps away from the darkness and closer towards His light. i noticed it a few weeks ago, a hope was planted within my heart that was beyond myself. then, just within the past week, i found myself backed into a corner with two choices before me: to continue on the path of despair which leads to my destruction, or to give God a chance to help me.

i chose the latter. however, i quickly realized it is not a one time choice, but a moment-by-moment choice, because the temptation to despair is still ever present, and the knowledge that i have a long road ahead of me towards better spiritual, mental and physical improvement can be overwhelming. plus, the reality that i may never be free from PGAD is a hard truth i have had to face. so during these moments of feeling overwhelmed, i am now trying to turn to Him and ask Him for peace and to be in control --that even in my physical distress, He will be with me. i am weak, ever so weak, and i realize i cannot "go in through the narrow gate" without Him carrying me through. thus far, He has been answering my prayers.

and i did have two days...well, more like one and a half of no PGAD or other pain. it was a nice break, and i am grateful for it. i pray there will be more days like that ahead.

so i am asking that if you've been praying for me, please continue. i could not have gotten this far without the prayers and love of others, and i realize i cannot continue on this path of hope without them. and i pray, from the bottom of my heart, that God will bless all of you who have been praying for me. i am grateful, ever so grateful that tears are in my eyes for those of you who have been interceding for me, and for showing me His love and truth --for being His body. i would be a fool to say that He does not love me, or that He has abandoned me, for you have proven this untrue.

thank you. so much.

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