Thursday, February 10, 2011

the birthday curse

Jeremy has been terribly sick all day today, and here it is, two days before his birthday (he'll be 36 on Saturday). if he could talk, instead of moan, he'd say he's not at all surprised to have come down with the flu at this time, because for 3 years in a row Jeremy has gotten horribly sick, just like he is today, on his birthday. then, for the rest of the year he would not get sick again, but perhaps with a head cold or cough.

last year his birthday was a fluke --he did not get sick, but it snowed, heavily, and we had to call our friends who were already on the road to our house to celebrate Jeremy's non-sick birthday with us (King of the Hill style) and tell them to go back to their homes. Jeremy's mom had come over to help prepare for the party, and in the time she had put fondant letters on the cake, 5" of snow had fallen, so she stayed the night. then the power went out for the whole night, and we were thankful our dogs were in bed with us to keep us warm.

we did have the party the following night, and despite that the thrill of dressing up as King of the Hill characters had worn off all but two people (i was one of the two) it was really fun and Jeremy enjoyed himself.

since then, i hoped that Jeremy's sick-birthday-curse had been broken, but the moans and grunts coming from the bedroom tonight make me think otherwise.

isn't it strange? i have no answer for it. it could certainly make a person wonder if Jeremy gets sick nearly-every-year-at-his-birthday for a reason? by the time he recovered from his third year in a row, he joked with people, saying that getting sick on his birthday was the "Lawd's" way of saying, "Happy birthday *********! Here's your ******** present for being ****** born!" and of course everyone, including myself, laughed. but all joking aside, Jeremy has honestly questioned why in the world would God allow him to get so sick on his birthday? doesn't God love him?

but we do that, don't we? when we get sick, or when unexpected hardships occur, we wonder if God is punishing us, or maybe just hates us? i know i do --considering i feel bad in one way or another (sinus, back or joint pain, dizziness, and a list of other issues) at least 4 to 5 days a week-- i struggle with this question a lot.

last year, in 2010, things went down hill for me at the get-go. January, i started itching from head-to-toe without any sign of a rash. it kept me up at night, and the only way i could sleep was to take 3 benedryl. by February, my doctor told me that the itching was because i had developed an allergy to the birth control i had been taking since i was 15! apparently, as i was informed, you can develop an allergy to any medication at any time --like ones you have been taking all your life with no problem at all!

then my doctor and i began a tedious process of finding a new birth control for me. we did not have much luck for the first few months, so i went off one and tried another, and because of the changing hormones, the pounds piled on! oh, glory! what's that, 15 lbs? next month, another 5? how fantastic! in very little time my entire wardrobe became too tight, and by November, i humbly went out to buy a new pair of "Just My Size" jeans, and shirts with sizes that have the letter X or W in them. and the X does not stand for sexy, and the W is not for wonderful. not on me anyway.

dieting was also futile while my body was adjusting to this hormone and then that. it was terribly frustrating, but what could i do? i could get mad at God, or i could choose to see things as He does (which is not superficially, by-the-way) and trust that He would see me through this, as He does with all things. so, i got mad, and i trusted. you can do both, or so i have found.

tomorrow i have a doctor's appointment, so we can --once again-- talk about trying yet another birth control. i am also going to have my sinuses and ears looked at again (they hurt nearly all last year and have carried their pain into 2011). plus, i am going to have my thyroid tested, and discuss why in the world my right hand keeps falling asleep --like all day long?

and to be honest, i am still pretty upset with God, because this is a whole-lotta-stuff to be dealing with (and there are other issues as well, that i have not listed) but i am also trusting, hoping, and praying, and trying to see things as He does. i do not believe God hates me or is punishing me. He is up to something though, and i do trust, hope and pray that it is all for my good.

and for Jeremy's too. who i pray will be better by his birthday.

please note: any attempt to post comments/responses in way of unsolicited advice, analysis, words-of-wisdom, and/or correction on this blog, on Facebook, or via e-mail are not welcome and will be deleted before read. only positive comments, such as, "thanks for sharing" or "i can relate" are welcome, as well as the ever-so-confirming "like" button on FB. thank you for being gracious. ~Heather

Monday, February 7, 2011


we each have our own, personal impostor. or so i am learning. our impostor is our false self that we begin to construct at an early age.

author Brennan Manning says this about the impostor:

"The Impostor is the slick, sick and subtle impersonator of my true self who wants to be liked, admired, accepted and to "fit in"...The problem of the Impostor is I don't really trust that my true self in Christ is much more attractive, lovable, appealing, kind, than the false self that I manufactured...this prevents any kind of intimacy with others because I have to maintain the front, put on the act, pretend to be somebody that I am not...the result is, at some point I believe [the Impostor] is my true self."

he goes on to say (and i am paraphrasing) that at some point we need to come to terms with the impostor, with all it's pretenses and phoniness, and it is then that we can accept our true selves with our strengths and weaknesses, virtues and vices, our brokenness, and need of a Savior.

i have an impostor. i even named her many years ago: Chimera. she was a work in progress, growing into --what i believed-- was the ultimate me. she won some poetry awards, loved the spotlight, mingled with the artistic crowd --even dated Marilyn Manson, if you didn't know. but by the grace of God, right as her (my) selfishness (and self-destruction) peaked, God intervened, and reminded me that i am His child.

then, the painful-but-liberating process of my impostor's demise began, and it continues, still, to this day.

it has been difficult to let go of that which has seemingly served me so well. but i know the emptiness, insecurity and fear that hides beneath my false self. i attempted to conceal and medicate the pain in many ways. writing poetry was one way. i wrote to find approval and applause. as i began to discover how i was using poetry, the mere thought of writing a poem made me cringe and gag.

the thought of blogging has done the same.

i am not certain i will keep up with this blog. i am still wrestling with the idea.

i realize the one thing that blogging used to help me with was to keep a record --a time-line of my life-- and i need that. since my father's suicide, i have had a hard time remembering when things have happened. some things that i perceived as happening a year ago, actually happened 5 years ago, and vice verse.

so i am considering doing this blog to help with time-perception, but more importantly, to express the truth. my old myspace blog was written by and for my impostor. certainly this blog will be for me first, yes, and some of that is indeed for my impostor's need for attention, but i also hope that sharing might, somehow, help someone else.

now here is a warning: i plan on being truthful. painfully-freaking-truthful. and for some, this may create a cause for concern. i know that the kind of inner thoughts and struggles i will be sharing are not (often) freely made known. please remember: i do have God, as well as a supportive husband, family and friends to help me. i am okay.

my truthfulness might also invoke (in some) the need to respond with your analysis, insight, wisdom, advice and/or correction. for this reason i have disabled comments, and i plan to attach a notice at the end of every blog entry to explain that any attempt to share such comments, here, on Facebook, or via e-mail are not only not welcome, but will be deleted before i even read them. why? because your advice, however well-intentioned you may think it to be, is in fact poison to my process.

the only comments i welcome are positive responses, and of course the ever-so-confirming "like" button on FB. please, refrain from giving advice unless i ask. you may think this close-minded of me. you are allowed that. i am certain there is someone else out there who needs your words of wisdom. you should be kind to them, and bite your tongue. most likely, it's your impostor talking. ask me how i know.

recommended reading: Abba's Child by Brennan Manning