impostor

we each have our own, personal impostor. or so i am learning. our impostor is our false self that we begin to construct at an early age.

author Brennan Manning says this about the impostor:

"The Impostor is the slick, sick and subtle impersonator of my true self who wants to be liked, admired, accepted and to "fit in"...The problem of the Impostor is I don't really trust that my true self in Christ is much more attractive, lovable, appealing, kind, than the false self that I manufactured...this prevents any kind of intimacy with others because I have to maintain the front, put on the act, pretend to be somebody that I am not...the result is, at some point I believe [the Impostor] is my true self."

he goes on to say (and i am paraphrasing) that at some point we need to come to terms with the impostor, with all it's pretenses and phoniness, and it is then that we can accept our true selves with our strengths and weaknesses, virtues and vices, our brokenness, and need of a Savior.

i have an impostor. i even named her many years ago: Chimera. she was a work in progress, growing into --what i believed-- was the ultimate me. she won some poetry awards, loved the spotlight, mingled with the artistic crowd --even dated Marilyn Manson, if you didn't know. but by the grace of God, right as her (my) selfishness (and self-destruction) peaked, God intervened, and reminded me that i am His child.

then, the painful-but-liberating process of my impostor's demise began, and it continues, still, to this day.

it has been difficult to let go of that which has seemingly served me so well. but i know the emptiness, insecurity and fear that hides beneath my false self. i attempted to conceal and medicate the pain in many ways. writing poetry was one way. i wrote to find approval and applause. as i began to discover how i was using poetry, the mere thought of writing a poem made me cringe and gag.

the thought of blogging has done the same.

i am not certain i will keep up with this blog. i am still wrestling with the idea.

i realize the one thing that blogging used to help me with was to keep a record --a time-line of my life-- and i need that. since my father's suicide, i have had a hard time remembering when things have happened. some things that i perceived as happening a year ago, actually happened 5 years ago, and vice verse.

so i am considering doing this blog to help with time-perception, but more importantly, to express the truth. my old myspace blog was written by and for my impostor. certainly this blog will be for me first, yes, and some of that is indeed for my impostor's need for attention, but i also hope that sharing might, somehow, help someone else.

now here is a warning: i plan on being truthful. painfully-freaking-truthful. and for some, this may create a cause for concern. i know that the kind of inner thoughts and struggles i will be sharing are not (often) freely made known. please remember: i do have God, as well as a supportive husband, family and friends to help me. i am okay.

my truthfulness might also invoke (in some) the need to respond with your analysis, insight, wisdom, advice and/or correction. for this reason i have disabled comments, and i plan to attach a notice at the end of every blog entry to explain that any attempt to share such comments, here, on Facebook, or via e-mail are not only not welcome, but will be deleted before i even read them. why? because your advice, however well-intentioned you may think it to be, is in fact poison to my process.

the only comments i welcome are positive responses, and of course the ever-so-confirming "like" button on FB. please, refrain from giving advice unless i ask. you may think this close-minded of me. you are allowed that. i am certain there is someone else out there who needs your words of wisdom. you should be kind to them, and bite your tongue. most likely, it's your impostor talking. ask me how i know.



recommended reading: Abba's Child by Brennan Manning