bad shape

at this writing, tomorrow (wednesday) will be 2 weeks since my Botox nerve block, and as of right now, it seems as though it was a complete waste of time and money. my PGAD is as bad as ever.

i had to "take care" of my "problem" for over 2 hours on Saturday night, but even after more "O's" than i can count, IT never felt sated, and despite all the damn meds i am on, i sit here presently in horrible discomfort. even this laptop i am typing on, which is sitting on top of a pillow on my lap is nearly unbearable.

i am at a loss.

the Botox plus the anesthetic cost over $1,000. that's a thousand plus dollars for nothing...again.
and no, we do not have medical insurance, and are still making payments on my last two nerve blocks.

on the subject of suffering, there are two Christian books i am currently reading. one, which i mentioned in my last couple of entries is called Being Well When We're Ill: Wholeness and Hope in Spite of Infirmity by Marva Dawn, and the other book is Be Still, My Soul (25 Classic and Contemporary Readings on the Problem of Pain): Embracing God's Purpose and Provision in Suffering edited by Nancy Gutherie and includes writings by famous Christian writers from Philip Yancey and Joni Eareckson Tada, to Corrie ten Boom and Dietrich Bonhoeffer. both books are good, but what troubles me about them is that despite all of these authors insights and understandings of a child of God's suffering, is that the suffering they are referring to is physical pain.

i know what physical pain is. for years i had migraines so severe and interfered with my life so badly that i had to drop out of high school. (i got my G.E.D. right away which was far easier than enduring the agony of high school.)

the difference between suffering with physical pain and PGAD is that with PGAD, the sufferer is eventually forced to try and relieve themselves in a hateful, self-degrading fashion, which may or may not provide relief. if relief is granted, then five or so days might go by without any discomfort and life can be enjoyed happily. however, if relief is not provided, that means the sensations will actually become worse, and at a faster rate than before the sufferer was forced to molest themselves.

over the years i have been asked at different times by different people, 'Why don't you just not do it?' and in response i try to explain that asking such a question is like suggesting to someone who has an overly full, painful bladder to just not urinate. it's ridiculous. i simply cannot express in words how terrible the sensations can become and the sense of urgency that goes with them, but i can assure you, it is unbearable.

physical pain, on the other hand, can sometimes be helped with pain medication. in the case of the migraines i had suffered, hydrocodone would take the pain away 100%, and even without pain medication the migraine would eventually go away on it's own! this is not so with PGAD. pain meds only help a little and sometimes they don't help at all, and, in my case, the arousal sensations never ever go away on their own. they only increase day-by-day until i must perform the dreaded deed and sweat and exhaust myself and plead with God for hours to please, PLEASE let this orgasm be the last one that will bring relief ...and then have to have 10 more in a row, only to wake the next morning to find the sensations have not been relieved and feel them rapidly intensify during the long hours of the day. it is maddening!!! it causes me great anxiety and depression. it is pure and utter torture. torture i have had to endure for 18 years!!!

there is a woman who is a member of the on-line PGAD Support Group who has had PGAD her entire life, and she is now in her 70's! i can tell you now, i won't make it to my 70's with this. i have told God as much. i doubt i'll make it into my 50's like this either. i'm far too weak and growing tired of fighting, of praying, of hoping, of trying new medications and procedures... i am nearly spent, and don't know what more God requires of me. i'd love to "rest" or "trust in God" like people and books encourage me to do, but unless these people or writers have had PGAD for 18 years, i find their words empty, and even insulting. i have tried and pleaded with him to help me rest and trust, dammit, believe me!

the other day i asked God if it were possible, could he let me swap this disorder for the migraines i used to have. i told him i'm pretty sure he doesn't make bargains like that, but if he did, i could endure it until i died in my old age. otherwise, he had better hurry up and help me.