Wednesday, May 4, 2011

pious naysayers and my ugly heart

i've got a dilemma here, i really do. my heart is angry and bitter. this is something i have struggled w/ for as long as i can remember, even before my life was focused on Jesus, and here's the deal: i cannot stand know-it-all, pious, legalistic Christians (sometimes knowns as pharisees) and this is not good, i know this, and i pray about it all the time, because i believe i ought to love my enemies and bless those who persecute me.

the irony is, i am nearly certain that to Christians who i see as pious pharisees, i am probably just as infuriating. this is humorous to me --which is good, because the laugh ability of it reminds me of the bigger picture, and helps me to be less offended. but that's less offended --not not offended.

there are many reasons why i can't stand pious pharisees, and one is because i feel like they constantly judge unbelievers with a "they should just know better and stop pissing-off God before they die and burn-in-hell forever" attitude. see, i was once a very good sinner, and lived a wild and sometimes perverse lifestyle, but i didn't "know better" even though i had once, slightly understood the gospel of became lost in the pain of growing up and being human and i went about life as best i could...and the only people who represented Christ to me were the people on the 700 club...and they didn't help, they only helped fuel my anger --and i still don't like them, to be honest. so i know where "the lost" are coming from, and i have compassion for them, not condemnation.

the only reason i became a christian was because 1) my Dad's salvation which brought visible change to his life (mainly a peace in him i had not ever seen before) and 2) i experienced the mind/body/soul-drenching love of God. it was so overwhelming that i wept and rejoiced at the same time.

LOVE drew me in. not the "turn or burn" message, which i do not believe ever (i'll say it again) EVER results in true conversion.

but this does not sway the naysayers who love love love to preach about the judgment of God. my prayer is that i can see these pious naysayers as they truly are, which is as frightened children who have been abused and controlled with awful hell and damnation teaching. these fearful children, who seem to be adults, really don't know God as their loving father, and they believe (or hope) that their good deeds will please Him and keep His frightening hand of punishment and pain far from their lives. they do not dare question anything in the bible, what a preacher says, and they certainly NEVER get angry with God, and this is sad, because they do not feel the freedom to have a real relationship with Him --because at the heart of it all: they doubt His love for them.

i need to see them this way Father, and not feel such anger and hatred towards them, nor do i want to continue to look down upon them and think they are stupid. i'm sorry for feeling this way. please help, cause i can't stop feeling this way on my own. any good changes that happen in me always seem to be as a result of your grace and love. you're cool like, and i'm so grateful.