Tuesday, May 17, 2011

that thing i sit on

update to last post: i did not submit anything to the poetry contest. just wasn't feeling it, and i feel fine that i did not submit --at peace about it, actually.

but this post is about something altogether different. this post is about my butt. yes, that thing that i sit on. you see, for all of last year and then some, i was feeling bad in one strange way or another, and when i feel bad (and i'm not talking mild bad, i'm talking really damn, painful bad) i am no good, debilitated, and all i can do is sit on my butt. so, as you can imagine, a year + of sitting on my butt has resulted in not only a larger butt, but (ha) the rest of me is ever-so-soft and out of shape. i am not happy about this, and am trying to be kind to myself (and my butt) and realize my un-shapely-soft-ness is not due to laziness or neglect, as it was, for the most part, beyond my control. that's what i keep reminding myself, because i can be ever-so-good at berating myself. maybe you can relate?

so since i have been feeling better, i decided to give the whole getting-into-shape thing a try. not that i ever was in-shape. when i was younger i had a tighter, slimmer body and more energy, but i never worked-out or dieted. of course, i did go to a lot of night clubs and did lots of dancing, and i also had a vegetarian diet, but that was it. my friends that exercised could easily out dance me, out walk me, and out run...wait, i don't think i ran. no, there was no running. maybe brisk walking during an emergency.

anyway, i have gone back on the good ol' Atkins diet, and lost approx. 14 lbs so far, but for a couple of weeks the weight loss has stopped. so i have implemented exercise, which means daily i go for a rather short and yet tedious walk on the treadmill. i walk until my body says, oh please, just stop! STOP! and i do. so far, my knees and lower back hurt, and i feel really freakin' old, but i am determined.

why am i determined? would you believe my 20th high school reunion is this summer? i already feel old, but this makes me feel older. i don't want to care, you know? i don't want to care "how i will look" at my reunion and be that shallow, but Lord help me, i do!

i don't want to be crazy and try to get down to my pre-pregnancy weight --which i think i only visited for a short month post-pregnancy-- but i'd like to be reasonably thinner, AND i'd also like to be a bit in-shape because traveling requires movement and a bit of strength, like when running through the airport, lifting bags, hurrying to the next train, sitting down and standing up, and lots and lots of walking!

i have actually been trying to involve God in this slow-but-hopefully-steady fitness program of mine, because i want my heart to be in the right place: not only do i want to lose weight for my reunion, but being out of shape effects my moods, and i am limited as to what i can physically do on a daily basis. i'd like to be able to have a stronger back so i can do chores w/out having pain for days afterward, and i'd love to be able to go for walks on the beach this summer with my husband and son without getting winded. i believe God desires these good results for me too, and so far, i see Him helping me (and my butt) and i am thankful.