Sunday, December 9, 2012


it's almost 8am. since my dad took his life and the shotgun woke us on 11/10/07 at 2:30am, my sleeping schedule, which was already bad, got even worse. i used to stay up 'til at least 4 or 5am, but now i have trouble going to sleep unless the sun is up. can you really blame me? the sun is now up, it's been up, and the birds are chirping. when everything outside is alive and in the light, i feel safe to sleep.

when i lay down in the darkness the past comes back to me and unless i am good and drugged up, my mind will not go to sleep.

i think my dosage of paxil, which was upped a month ago, is making it difficult to feel sadness.
it is not a good feeling. i can feel anger, but sadness...not so much. i was glad when it came the other night and i was like, "oh hey, i can FEEL!" and i wept. i imagine in some ways it is good for me not to be feeling the full power of my sadness... only because i know that path, and it leads to much darkness and despair. i'm instead in a kind of twilight, but holy shit, not the movie. can i vomit now?

i am feeling angry tonight. am i mad at Gretchen? no.
God? well, i am usually ticked at him on some level at all times, but about Gretchen? hmmm, yes, somewhat. okay yes, i am angry at him, but not at the same time. i'll have to figure that out later.

to tell the truth, i am mad at the church (which is nothing new if you know me). i have just been wondering where the hell was The Body of Christ in Gretchen's situation??? could she have gone into a local church and told them about her situation, and would they have offered her help? i know what kind of help i got from churches: zero to really, really bad advice, you know like: you have a demon, or you have sinned somehow and not confessed your sin so you have "opened a door to Satan" to inflict you and you obviously don't have enough faith to be healed or are still living in said unrepented-door-opening sin and God can't help you so abstain from food for a week and see if God lets you in on what sin you haven't repented of cause he isn't in control of your suffering --he just lets the demons use your body for a torture playground until you figure out WHAT YOU ARE DOING WRONG.

i am not joking. the above was told to me more times than i can fucking count.

so here's the question keeping me UP this morning:

why is the Body of Christ still so seemingly ineffective when it comes to helping the poor and the sick? isn't that what Christ called us to do?

i had a fundraiser for Gretchen, when she was ALIVE and suffering, in order to help gather funds so she could see a doctor. i asked my friends, both christian and not, to please give.

we had a donation website, and i also informed everyone that whatever i sold in my Etsy store, 100% profit was going to Gretchen. a few believers gave. a handful of really wonderful believers gave. then money came in from my dear atheist and agnostic friends. then strangers gave. then, when i thought we had received all we would ever get, my very slow --as in no sales for 6 months-- Etsy store began selling items 2-3 times a week! i could hardly believe it, and i knew God was doing it... and i have honestly wondered this very difficult and disturbing question: was he doing it because his children were not?

i currently have a fundraiser for Gretchen, to cover the costs of having her cremated (which costs over $1,000) to have a memorial service for her, and have her shipped to her family's plot in Wisconsin so she can be buried with her parents.

and you know what? in 4 days time the donations amount to 5 times MORE than the month-long fundraiser for Gretchen when she was alive! does something smell wrong here?

it does to me. and i want to spit or slap or share my middle finger (lovingly, of course) with...
you, and you, and you and you and you and you and... YOU!