Saturday, December 29, 2012

2012 Losses and Blessings

I really don't want to write this entry. I really don't want to review this past year, because just a short glimpse back over my shoulder brings tears of both pain and gratitude, for there was loss and despair mixed with hope and blessings.

Therefore, I have decided --for your sake and mine-- to review the past year, month by month in a no-nonsense, one-to-two sentence manner. So here goes:

January: My family and I love living in our new home in Columbia, South Carolina, and we are thankful to God for such a blessing.

February: My PGAD worsens, so I have three MRI's that reveal nothing. I throw a party for Jeremy's 37th birthday in which we are surrounded by dear friends and family.

March: I have two unsuccessful nerve blocks. I try new medications, but my PGAD is unrelenting, so I set a date and make a plan to take my life.

April: My thirteen year old American Bulldog and constant companion, Sarah, dies the day before Easter. I do not sleep in my bed for a month, because I miss her sleeping beside me.

May: Jeremy gets me a new puppy, Hannah. I find a local, Christian doctor, Dr. Redmond, who specializes in Pudendal Nerve Damage and I am tested, but test is negative.

June: My friend Gretchen tells me she is going to kill herself because of her PGAD. I contact many doctors on her behalf, but none help.

July: Dr. Redmond and I begin to discuss possible Myobloc (Botox) injections for PGAD.

August: I start a fundraiser for Gretchen to get her medical help. I quit smoking cigarettes every day... only now and then do I have an occasional one or three.

September: My son turns 17 (!!!) then I turn 39, so my dear friends take me out to dinner to celebrate just a few days before I have Myobloc injections. I quit eating gluten, artificial sweeteners, dairy, and start seeing a wonderful, female Christian counselor.               

October: By the month's end, the Myobloc is helping to reduce PGAD symptoms and urgency, so I start to have hope again. I join a wonderful bible study with my dear friends.

November: We (Jeremy, Jonah, Chris, Chopper, Hannah and I) go on a family vacation to Asheville and have a truly blessed and wonderful time, despite the black bear. I start planning a Hobbit Holiday Celebration for next month.

December: On the 1st of the month, my friend Gretchen commits suicide right after her interview about PGAD appears in the Tampa Bay Times. On the 15th we have the Hobbit Holiday Celebration with our beloved family (my seester and nephew) and friends, and then we have a lovely Christmas day --just Jeremy, Jonah and I.

There is actually more to come this month, as later today Jeremy's family will be arriving to spend a few days with us and welcome in the new year.

Ooooh, the New Year! 2013. I will not do the stupid thing, as I have done before and say, "This new year will be better than last!" No. I don't expect it to be. I actually expect more good and bad events to occur, but in what proportions, I fear to guess.

I do know, in the new year, I will continue to love God, see His work and love in my family's and my life. I also know I will continue to have times that I yell at Him, ignore Him and will be utterly confused by Him.

My only prayer for this coming year is that I will be more open to inviting Him into each and every facet of my life, whether joyful or painful, and that I will grow in the knowledge of His love for me. I pray the same may be for you.