small-ish

I feel as though I am still waking from the strange dream of December.
I am here, but not yet fully alert.

On Christmas day, Jeremy, Jonah and I opened presents and Jeremy made us a wonderful dinner.
I am so grateful for my two guys. They are the two most precious people in the world to me.

Christmastime comes these days (or past few years) with memories and the heartache of missing those times when we were a young, married couple, when Jonah was a little boy, of how at Christmas we traveled to see my parents, sister and nephew in Georgia, then drove through to Alabama to see Jeremy's family. We took for granted that such times would end, that our fathers would be gone, and our traditions and gatherings gone with them. The whole family dynamic changes when the patriarch of a family dies.

Thankfully, this year, we did get to see family during the month of December. My sister and her son were able to come out before Christmas, on the weekend of the 15th, for our Hobbit Holiday Celebration. Then Jeremy's family came to visit us a few days after Christmas. There were nine guests altogether that time, and it was wonderful to have a house full of those we love!

I am grateful to God for making it possible for our family to visit us, because we really cannot travel these days, so our time with family is very precious.

I didn't get to see my mom this Christmas or last Christmas either, which was hard. You see, my mother was at the heart our family Christmases. When my sister and I were little, she went above and beyond at Christmastime, and my father played a huge part too. There were about 20 boxes of Christmas decor which were strewn all over the house --inside and out. There were cookies to be baked, letters for Santa, Christmas caroling, parties, and then Christmas morning, which was the best.

My mom carried on with most of our family Christmas traditions for a couple of years after dad died, but then we were unable to travel out to see her (or even Jeremy's family) and suddenly all of us --our mothers, siblings and their families-- found our Christmases to be much smaller, if not much lonelier. Maybe if we had not known how big and magical Christmas could be, then our Christmases today would not seem so small and empty. I am not saying we take Christmas for granted now. Like I said, I love my two guys, I love our extended family who are able to visit us. We all have much more than many, many people in the world. We just have grown older, and the holidays that were, are no more, and will never be again... and this is why people have mid-life crisis... you never imagine the good times will end...

or to think, in a few years time, your Christmases may be even smaller.