Friday, February 24, 2012

the long hours of waiting

the blog entry below consists of updates/topics i have been wanting to share, but have not had the will or energy to write about, so i have, instead, copied and pasted parts of messages i have written to friends, and used them as a starting block to expand on, which is far easier than starting from scratch. so here's my update:

from 2/20/12

i'm really upset because i kinda feel like God played a mean trick on me...not that he does that...i think? but anyway, i had to "take care" of my damnable PGAD friday night, and the topamax (the new drug i am on) is making it difficult to climax, so in 3 hours i had about 10 or 12 orgasms, when otherwise it would've been about 30. however, i strangely felt relief, like the old days when it was "under control". when i woke up the next day...same thing...NO PGAD! i was like, "wow, that's really nice of you God! i don't have to spend the next 4 hours in the bedroom! maybe you're actually changing my circumstances! thank you!" then i got to thinking --and that's where i went wrong-- maybe tomorrow (sunday) Jeremy and i can actually spend some time together and enjoy each other's company since he has the day off! we haven't had much quality time together since he's been working full time. i even mentioned this idea to him, and he said it sounded great.

but as i was getting ready for bed Sat nite, i felt my PGAD come back, just like that, and yesterday when i got up, the sensations were at a level like when i'm 4 or 5 days "after taking care of it". then i find out, that this friday, when i have my appt to find out the results of my MRI's, that Jeremy will be in Spartanburg for a guitar show, and friday will also be the night i have to "take care" of things again --because it will have been a week that has gone by ( which is my PGAD's "schedule"), so Saturday i will spend the day sedated as hell. so i'm sad and pissed and all that good stuff.


OMG! THIS is how FUCKED-upped the drugs i am on have me: for over a week now, i have been telling myself AND EVERYONE else that THIS FRIDAY will be the 29th, when i have my doctor's appt. i just now picked up a piece of paper on the table beside me that says "appt: WEDNESDAY, the 29th at 1:15pm." WTF??? checked the calendar, and yeeaaah, i was WAY OFF. well isn't that JUST GREAT??? these are RX drugs BTW, and now i am BEYOND SORELY disappointed. apparently the side effects of Topamax are true: it makes you DUMB AS SHIT. (i almost just spelled dumb as dumn). "rejoice. again, i say..." yeah, up yours!!! ha, i was thinking of writing "go fuck yourself --but wait-- don't bother, because apparently that's MY disorder!!!"

the funny thing (but not really) is that right before i found out i had my appt date wrong, i had just received an e-mail from another woman w/ pgad who said she had to go off topamax b/c it made her forget everyday words, like "phone" "door" or "cup" and she said "watch out, it will make you stupid."

i looked it up, and it's true. it's one of topamax's many bad side effects (such as anorexia), but it's one that is supposed to go away after it evens out in your body after about a month or so. plus being on Xanax, Tramadol and Soma isn't helping my brain fog either. so it was just a HUGE disappointment.

on the 17th, i was really happy to find out that i was accepted to be a vendor at Crafty Feast. i have wanted be a part of it for the past few years, but i didn't apply because i thought i had too much going on at the time --in retrospect, they were certainly not as bad as they are now! after i found out i was accepted i was going to take some time to think about it and pray if i should do it or not, but then i decided that the whole thing was putting more pressure on my mind, and becoming less of a pleasurable idea and more of a stressful one. plus, in their acceptance letter, they asked to let them know ASAP if you were not able to do it b/c they have a waiting list of other artists who almost made the cut who they would have fill in my place --so i wanted to give another artist the chance to do it. another reason i declined is b/c i do not know what April is going to look like, am i going to require surgery, physical therapy? i have no idea, so i just can't commit to anything for that month.

a couple of friends of mine asked how God and i are doing. i guess we are doing okay. i mean, my daily prayer to Him goes something like this,"you know i'm frail, helpless and weak, and i'm so mad at you and want to die because of this torture, so you're going to have to do something --i mean, like do EVERYTHING: heal me body, soul, and mind. i'm nearly at the end of my rope, but i'm still following you're lead and receiving what you give me, even if at times it feels like i'm living off what seems like crumbs falling off your plate. i love you, but i also hate you right now, just like a daughter often has mixed emotions towards her earthly father. so i'm asking you to make this right, soon, please, Father. i'm begging you!"

once, i actually heard someone say that they "knew better than to get angry with God," and to be honest, i was shocked. i believe if we are human, we are going to, at some point, get angry with God, and it seems that all those who were close to God in the Bible got mad at Him at one point or another. He KNOWS IF WE ARE ANGRY WITH HIM, and i think to suppress and deny those feelings, as if we could "hide" them from God, is unhealthy. Any true, open and healthy relationship will not withhold true feelings or thoughts, but be open...and God is not fooled by us. He knows our hearts and minds better than we do. i believe there are too many Christians...and i want to stress TOO MANY CHRISTIANS that are in denial about the depths of pain, anger, and disappointment that they feel towards God, and they hide these feelings beneath pride, self-defense, self-righteousness, always having to be right, concentrating on fixing the problems of others, etc, rather than, and forgive the over-used phrase, "being real with God." ask me how i know this? because Jeremy and i were in-denial Christians until we began to see our Christian counselor in 2008, and then fellowship with genuine, open Christians. i thank God for opening us up to such wonderful truths. now we're real with Him and each other. our situation sucks something awful, but we tell God how we REALLY feel about it now.

The book "Disappointment with God" by Yancey is really the only book God is using to minister/speak to me in a deep way right now. i have to read and re-read paragraphs to really absorb it. i also stay in his word with a day and night devotional i have called "The Tender Words Of God" by Ann Spangler. and sometimes it's what i need to hear, and other times it's some old testament crap that doesn't have an ounce of worth for me. but that's okay.

Speaking of "being real with God", Yancey even describes the moment when Christs calls out to the Father from the cross saying, "My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?" as relating to our own moments of disappointment w/ God.

NOW, i am going to pause here, as i do when it comes to this part in scripture, because i always want to debunk the lie that we have been taught: that it was at this moment that the Father turned his back on the son, BUT THERE IS NO BIBLICAL EVIDENCE FOR THIS. research it for yourself, and even read the book, "He Loves Me" by Wayne Jacobsen to get a truly biblical balanced view of what happened at that moment. You can download the 1st edition FOR FREE!!! GO TO and below the picture of the book, click on Free, 1st Edition, then GO TO PAGE 134.

so, i leave you for now, waiting patiently as i can for WEDNESDAY the 29th, when i will find out the results of my 3 MRI's, and will let you all know the course my life is about to take...until then, the hours...dear God, the long hours...