Doctors tell me strange things after I tell them PGAD is making me suicidal.
A month ago, I went to see a gynecologist at a Women's Center and told her I have PGAD, she said she didn't know much about it, and that I probably knew more about it than she did.
Among the many things I told her about it, I explained that about 5 years ago a doctor performed MRI's on the brains of several women with PGAD, and found that PGAD registered as an extremely active area in the brain --in the section that controls itch.
Then I explained how I have had chronic back pain for a number of years as well, due to my scoliosis.
What followed was her strange, monotone response, "Well, it is understandable then, that you are having suicidal thoughts, because the two most likely candidates for patients who commit suicide are those who suffer from chronic itch and those who suffer from chronic back pain."
I have searched the Internet to see if her claims are true, but cannot find anything. It must be in those medical journals that the public (we little people) don't have easy access to, and really, I'm not surprised.
I did find these articles however, and am posting their links below. I warn you now, I am going to be annoying as hell as getting them out to you, my dear friends and family, (via fb, tagging, blogging, e-mails) for one, because I lost my father due to the failure of his Pain Physician, and many other Physicians, who did not take seriously his threats of suicide due to his physical pain.
My father was NOT suicidal before his chronic pain. He was a healthy man, dancing all night at his grandson's wedding reception the month before his chronic pain began. He outlasted the young people on that dance floor! He loved and embraced life, and his family was his treasure. He did not wish to end his life, but 3 months of unrelenting pain, of incompetent doctors, and pain so intense he could not sleep, he could not see but one way to end the pain: suicide.
I want to point out here that one night, somewhere toward the last weeks of those 3 months of my dad's pain, my mom had called me crying, worried about my dad, so I repeatedly called and left messages with my dad's pain physician until he finally called me back. I told him, "You have GOT to do something! He is threatening to kill himself!" The doctor told me, bluntly, "I have done all I can do for your dad" which by the way, wasn't SHIT, because he mis-diagnosed my dad and had him on the wrong kind of drugs, and then the doctor said to me, "All I can tell you is to get him to the ER." So the doctor called the ER, and that night my mother took my father the ER, where they bolted him in a room behind a steel door, like a prisoner, did not give him any pain meds, and had an armed guard stand outside. It was a terrifying experience for my parents, especially my dad.
In the first few years after my PGAD began, I voluntarily admitted myself to 2 different Psychiatric wards. The first time was because I told my state-funded counselor I was feeling suicidal because of my PGAD (which, by the way, was 7 years away from being discovered as an actual disorder, so she diagnosed me as OCD). The State-funded counselor sent me to the State-funded ward, where I was taken through six bolted security doors, like you'd see in a prison. When the nurse at the head desk was going through my bag, she actually took out my vibrator, turned it on, and held it up in the air for all the other mentally ill patients and staff to see, and started making fun of me saying, "What's this for girl, huh? huh?" The room burst out laughing. Then, when I finally saw the Psychiatrist and had my only 20 minute session with him over my 3 day stay, he suggested that maybe I had not experimented enough sexually in my life and should venture out and try things like lesbianism. It was truly a healing time for me, and I am so fucking thankful for my time there.
My second experience was almost as bad. I was at a ward with a "good reputation" in Gainesville, Fl. My 2nd day there, I was having a panic attack and called in a nurse and she told me, "You got nothing to complain about. I wish I could stay home all day and masturbate like you" and then the head psychiatrist diagnosed me as having a sexual addiction. It was another costly and agonizing experience.
But besides all that, the important thing I really want to stress here is that the WORST THING a doctor can do is admit a PERSON WHO WANTS TO COMMIT SUICIDE because they are in CHRONIC PAIN into a Psychiatric Hospital, where they are surrounded by mentally ill patients --and doctors and nurses who are (supposedly) trained to take care of mentally ill patients --so the chronic pain sufferer is even more isolated and misunderstood than before...which makes them EVEN MORE SUICIDAL!!!
"Chronic pain is defined as pain that lasts longer than 3 months. Some experts define it as lasting longer than 6 months."
Can you even imagine that? Let me tell you, it changes you. It fucking changes you. It wears you down, body, mind and spirit.
So my second reason for posting these articles is because I am now at the place where my father was. Like my father, I love life! I adore my husband and our son, our pets, our new home, our family and friends! I love traveling with my family, creating art, and just embracing the wonderful things this life that God has blessed us with. I did have a time where the PGAD was under control so I could enjoy some of these things, but for 6 months now, it has been Chronic, and it has changed me.
I know that there are millions, MILLIONS more out there who suffer from some form of Chronic Pain, and they suffer alone and feel suicidal, and it is a problem that the medical community, and dare I say, the Church, has paid little attention too. Yes, I said the Church, but that's a blog for another time --and please, for love of God, those of you who feel the need to defend the church because of my statement, well, unless you have had Chronic Pain for 17 years, you should just hold your freaking tongues and say your prayers for me as your hooves trample upon my pearls.
ARTICLES, CHRONIC PAIN THAT LEADS TO SUICIDE IN THE USA:
This first article was written sometime in the late 1990's, and the 2nd was written in 2009.
The articles kind of say the same thing. The first one is more urgent, and the second one more journalistic-like with the focus on government and money and probably written by someone involved in politics (I almost said a republican, but really, I think all politics are bullshit, b/c our votes don't count anyway, and if you think they do, well, that's a lovely dream. I believe The Kingdom of God should be separate, but like I said that's a blog for another day, if I have one. And again, please bite your tongues my dearly beloved know-it-alls, and be thankful no chronic pain has blighted your physical bodies for 6 months to 17 years, and that your head is full of wisdom that did not have to come via physical suffering.)