Thursday, February 16, 2012

when it gets down to be or not to be

J.C. Ryle wrote, "If we know anything of growth in grace and desire to know more, let us not be surprised if we have to go through much trial and affliction in this world. I firmly believe it is the experience of nearly all the most eminent saints. Like their blessed Master, they have been men of sorrows, acquainted with grief, and perfected through sufferings (Isa. 53:3; Heb. 2:10). It is a striking saying of our Lord, "Every branch in Me that bears fruit [my Father] purges it, that it may bring forth more fruit" (John 15:2).
It is a melancholy fact, that constant temporal prosperity, as a general rule, is injurious to a believer’s soul. We cannot stand it. Sicknesses, losses, crosses, anxieties and disappointments seem absolutely needful to keep us humble, watchful and spiritual–minded. They are as needful as the pruning knife to the vine and the refiner’s furnace to the gold. They are not pleasant to flesh and blood. We do not like them and often do not see their meaning. "No chastening for the present seems to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yields the peaceable fruit of righteousness" (Heb. 12:11).
We shall find that all worked for our good when we reach heaven. Let these thoughts abide in our minds, if we love growth in grace. When days of darkness come upon us, let us not count it a strange thing. Rather let us remember that lessons are learned on such days, which would never have been learned in sunshine. Let us say to ourselves, "This also is for my profit, that I may be a partaker of God’s holiness. It is sent in love. I am in God’s best school. Correction is instruction. This is meant to make me grow."

i believe the above. i really do, but as of late, i am weary of it. i truly know, first hand, how God has used my 17 years of affliction to change me for the better. i could write a book on all the things He has created in me, by stripping away my ego, my beauty, my talents, all the things i thought defined me and made me special, and showed me that the most fulfilling identity is found in knowing i am His beloved daughter, and seeing Him show that love to others. He has shown me that the most important, everlasting rewards are loving times spent with my husband and son, as well as my extended family and friends.

He has shown me that i should not make quick judgments of people, but understand that every person has a deep well of pain, fear and rejection, and that they have built their personalities around avoiding those negative things, and some react in ways in order to not "go there", to escape, or to ward off more pain, and that everyone truly seeks love, peace and acceptance, but this often works against people, and makes them very self-centered. i know this because i am one of these people. this is the state of humanity, Christian or not.

i have learned that the good news of Christ is that he became human --throwing off His divinity, like a king renouncing his kingship to woo a maiden, so she would love him for who he truly is, not because he had power and was feared and all that shit. Jesus showed the Father in truest form, and i believe the many translations of the Bible, and centuries of bad teaching, have made Jesus out to be that which He is not --and i do not think that hell is what most bibles/teachings/interpretations have made it out to be either. i believe, in the end, Christ's sacrifice was to redeem ALL of creation, as one of my favorite verses says, "For it was by God's own decision that the Son has in himself the full nature of God. Through the Son, then, God decided to bring the whole universe back to himself. God made peace through his Son's blood on the cross and so brought back to himself all things, both on earth and in heaven." (1 Cor 1:19-20) many, MANY Christians disagree with me vehemently here, and that's okay. no one can say for sure who is right or who is wrong really, but someday we'll all know, and have a good laugh about it. in the meanwhile, it's not a point i'm up to even having a breif chat right now, my day-to-day life is a question of "to be or not to be." not to be dramatic, but hey, i'm a poet and i'm dramatic, it's the way He made me.

now to get down to some nitty-gritty details you may not want to know, but this is the hell that my PGAD has progressed to. Jeremy's birthday party was scheduled for last Saturday, the 11th, and my appt. with my doctor was supposed to be on wed the 10th, but they called and rescheduled it to thursday the 9th. this was bad, because as of late --like the past 6 months-- i have to "take care" of my PGAD, which means masturbating for about 2 to 3 hours, until i am exhausted, and then i wake up and it's back, and i have to "take care" of it for several more hours. my son usually works thursdays, so i am alone and don't have to worry about him hearing the vibrator, or wondering why Mom keeps coming out of the her bedroom every hour all sweaty to use the bathroom, only to go back to bed.

well, my PGAD was bad by thursday night, and i prayed it wouldn't take hours to be relieved. well, about 3 hours passed (from 4am to 7-ish) and that was about 30 orgasms, and i finally fell asleep. i woke up the next afternoon, PGAD back, and this time, it took, not 2, not 3, but 5 HOURS until i finally felt relief. by the end of Jeremy's party on Saturday night, the PGAD had returned. this, by the way, is accompanied by daily chronic back pain. severe chronic back pain.

the pain meds are, at the very least, taking off the edge, and slowing down how quick they build, but they also make me very drowsy, foggy, forgetful, and they are downers, and i don't like it.

i had my MRI's on monday and tuesday, and i called the pain dr b/c my appt was scheduled for 3/9, and i asked to see him ASAP, to know the results and where we go from there --but the only opening he had was on the 29th. so i took it.

my hope is that God is going to reveal the cause behind these 17 years of torment and finally bring it to an end, and allow me to enjoy the wonderful blessings of a relationship of love with Him, and my family and friends, and not go day to day flip-flopping between that hope, and the fear that my end is coming soon. i love life, you see. i adore life and my family, but living in chronic pain in my back and with this PGAD, and taking more meds than i ever have in my life (Celexa, Tramadol, Soma, Topamax, Xanax, Velivet, Flonase, and Lidocaine patches) is not embracing the life i long to live. i'm just surviving in this comfy chair with my footstool, heating pad, laptop and television...and it's a sad existence. i'm so over it.