after my last blog, and sending it out to over 100 of my friends and family, i have to say that the response i received was overwhelming. 98% was extremely supportive, sympathetic, and encouraging. the other 2% ranged from psychotic berating to well intended advice that was actually more hurtful than helpful. but that's okay. that's humanity for you, and i've received the good and let the other go. at least it is a testament that there are MORE compassionate people in the world than not, right? so that's a wonderful revelation in itself!
the update on my PGAD is this: on wednesday, the 29th, Jeremy took me to see the Pain Physician, and we were told nothing significant appeared on my 3 MRI's that would give cause to my PGAD. i kinda lost my shit at that point, crying and blabbering on about wanting to end my life, and the doctor became concerned, but thankfully Jeremy spoke up and said, "What's she's saying is that she's afraid she's not going to be heard, like her father was not heard, about the urgency of ending this pain." the doctor then said, "Alright, I can understand that. What I was about to tell you is that we can schedule a caudal nerve block for this coming Tuesday, the 6th."
he then explained that a caudal nerve block, which he will inject via live X-ray into the base of my spine, will go into my sympathetic/parasympathetic nerves --the nerves that control sexual function. if the first injection works, then it means we have found the nerves responsible for my PGAD, and then i will have another caudal block on the the following tuesday, the 13, and another on tuesday, the 20th, and the block may give me relief for several months, until i have to have them done again.
here's the scary part, if the caudal block does not work after the first injection, it means the sympathetic/parasympathetic nerves are not the nerves causing my PGAD.
my pain doctor has other plans in mind if this is the case, something like an InterStim (for people who have an overactive bladder) but would be placed in a different part of my body to block the other nerves...whatever they are called?
and if we don't do that, then we may go a different route: a dear, old friend of mine contacted me recently and told me her husband has a close friend who is a uro-gyno up north, and he has seen great success using Botox in women w/ PGAD. i asked my pain doctor if he'd be willing to talk to this uro-gyno if the caudal block fails about trying out Botox, and he said yes.
so there is hope...but there is also fear. hope that one of these options will bring relief, and fear that there may be a lot of suffering in between the trials and errors, and i am already weak, so very worn down...but i thank God for you, my friends and family who continue to pray for me and reach out to me. it is your love that is sustaining me.
i promise i am going to give it all i've got, and exhaust every method out there for as long as God gives me the strength to do so.
so please be praying for this tuesday, that God, in His great mercy, will guide the doctors hands with that long needle, tap into the right nerves, bless the medicine and give me the much needed relief i long for.
i have hope...but my anxiety seems much more powerful. my trust in God is near empty. but i don't think that's unreasonable, either.
(3/4/12) CORRECTION to the above: my caudal blocks are NOT going to be one injection every week for 3 weeks, but one injection EVERY 3 weeks. Jeremy informed me of my mistake today, and it just broke my heart. one, because i thought i was getting a quick series of intense medicine, and two, because it's obvious my brain is still not processing information clearly. i suppose that's typical for depression and the handful of brain-fog RX drugs i take everyday. anyway, just wanted to let you all know.