Friday, March 9, 2012

a little yeast corrupts the whole of the dough

i was a fool, perhaps, to open myself up, to stand and announce the tragedy, the pain, the struggle. i blame God, i suppose, for giving me a bold personality, and at the same time, making me equally frail. my words have made many panic. i fear i have scared some people, my friends, away --they have grown silent. then again, i have had many, many encouraging responses and many who keep reassuring Jeremy and i of their concern, love and prayers. but overall, it is lonely. i am alone in this. it is me, and somewhere there is God, close and at the same time, elusive.

Jesus was correct when he said that it only takes a little bit of yeast to work its way through an entire batch of dough --corrupting it-- so it is with a few heartless remarks: they presently echo louder in my mind than all the encouragement i've received, and my heart is burdened with guilt and pain, as is my body.

at this writing, it's after 4am on Friday morning. i am tired. i am so sleepy, but i fear sleep, for once i am there, i want to stay there. waking, getting out of bed is painful in every way. i mean every way.

today is only day 3 since my caudal. when i woke up yesterday, Thursday, i was quite aware of my PGAD, and my stomach immediately clenched, tears welled up and panic overwhelmed me. my bowels reacted to my anxiety, which forced me out of bed, and then i sat on the commode and cried. this is not an unusual morning for me, except that i just had a caudal block.

my daily chores are painful now too. my one way of staying in touch with the world --the internet-- has become more difficult as well --i cannot find a comfortable position to stay in for very long with my lap top, even with my "special crotchless cushion" because from my butt, all the way up to my neck is in constant pain. i can't even imagine going grocery shopping now. if i do, i would have to --no kidding-- ride around in one of those little carts, and i'm not sure i'm ready for that humiliation yet.

i feel like an 80 year old, and according to the bad voices from the bad comments that were made to me, i probably deserve to be feeling like i do. the comments were intended to motivate me somehow, i think, by making me feel bad about feeling bad --as if this were a choice i consciously made. as if i chose to have scoliosis, a deformed tailbone, to get PGAD, and that if i'd just taken better care of myself and would stop bitching about my situation, then maybe i'd get better, but if i don't get proactive soon and my pain gets to the point where i can't take it anymore, well, shame on me for the terrible legacy i'm going to leave behind for my son!!! this is the shit i got from a few people that i maybe get an x-mas card from once a year, if i'm lucky. in other words, from people who i am not in relationship with and do not know me.

the audacity of such comments infuriates me! i didn't plan on this! i certainly would never choose this! 17 years ago when i married Jeremy, and a year later when we had our son, this is NOT the life i imagined we'd be living, it is quite the opposite to be sure!!! but even in saying that, i know that through many of our trials, God has changed us for the better: He has made Jeremy and i closer, and our relationship with Jonah is better than it has ever been, so some of the bad stuff, i would not change. but my pain is just wearing on all of us...wearing us down.

i want it to be known that i'm sorry, i am, for all this "feeling sorry for myself." this is the dark night of my soul, no doubt. something God is taking me through. i am at the end of myself, you see. all i believed about Him, all the things i believed He was and does, has been called into question. and the hard reality i wrestle with every night and day is that He may or may NOT deliver me from this pain.

oh, how i wish i were the type of godly person who could say, "though He slay me, yet will I serve Him." but i am not.

ugh. i can almost sense the judging and wagging of heads (from some people) at the above comment, but you who may wag your head, you don't know. you are not here, inside me, feeling this chronic pain, or having had to endure the shame of years of unwanted arousal --oh, how i'd like for you to experience PGAD for a just a day, let's say a SUNDAY, to get a bit of sympathy --to endure being on the verge of orgasm while sitting in your nice little pew, rushing home because the feeling gets so strong all you can think to do is masturbate and relieve yourself, but after 10 consecutive orgasms the sensations only get worse. THEN you will feel panic overwhelm you as they realize that you may never again feel relief in your clitoris or penis, that it may burn with arousal every fucking day for the rest of your fucking life!!!...then, and ONLY THEN, can you judge me.

tomorrow will be day 4 since my caudal block. getting closer to day 5 w/ no change is of course scaring the hell out of me. but if there is change, you can be sure, i'll announce it --i cannot help it, you see, it's the way God has made me.