Wednesday, September 19, 2012

botox and lamenting

i'm simply here to write about today's procedure, and to pour out my emotions, mainly my fears and anxiety. please, i would appreciate if no one tries to comfort me or "correct" my feelings... in case you didn't know, doing so is called invalidation, and it is very hurtful, and very common. it happens when you do not enter into another person's pain with them, and try to change the way they are thinking and feeling. even though your intentions may be to "help", you are actually further burdening the person in pain. you can get a quick lesson here: INVALIDATION  it's a good read. no really. go read it. everyone needs a good lesson on the subject or a reminder of how harmful it is, even me.

so i had a nerve block today using Botox... right at the site of the problem, or should i say "directly into" the problem area. it hurt less than i feared it would, as the doctor did a local anesthetic so i never even felt the Botox injection, but what did disturb me is that even though i was thoroughly numbed "down there" i could still feel the PGAD. i guess the sensations are much deeper in the tissue than i realized.

unfortunately, the female clitoris has about five-thousand freakin' nerves... 5,000!!! so it is very possible that the Botox is NOT going to effect all of them.

my doctor informed me that 1) the Botox will not take full effect for two weeks 2) i will probably be in a lot of pain tomorrow and it will take a couple of days until i am better, and 3) he hopes that the Botox will not impede my ability to climax when i am forced to "relieve" myself.

Botox stays in your system for 3 months. so i could be looking at 3 months of torment or relief. in 14 days we'll know.

so with all this weighing in the balance, as you might imagine, i am freaking out a bit.

normally when i get scared/ have anxiety, i become immobilized, and then the dark weight of depression descends as i start to think about how i may never be free from this condition. i pray and pour out all my fears in God's presence, and tell Him how i cannot comprehend why He has allowed such suffering into my life --suffering that is beyond my control, that is no longer manageable with medications, suffering that is so overwhelming physically, mentally and emotionally and takes me to the very edge of my sanity. i tell Him that i love Him but am also angry with Him. this is not the life i wanted... i never wanted to "share in the sufferings of Christ" like this... not for the past 18 fucking years, and who knows how much longer???

it's not as though i haven't been proactive, dammit. i have seen 4 different doctors these past 12 months: my family practitioner, a urogynecologist, a pain management doctor, and my current doctor who specializes in many areas. i have had 5 MRI's, 2 painful and unsuccessful spinal nerve blocks. i drastically changed my diet, quit smoking, and tried a slew of medications. i seek God continually and pray constantly. i read His word as well as helpful, teaching Christian books everyday, and i just started seeing a female christian counselor... still there's been no change in my PGAD. i even suffer when i'm asleep as my dreams are awful and disturbing.

i tell God that He knows, only He knows how truly weak i am. He knows my thoughts and He knows that i crumble when i am in torment. He knows that i am often frightened beyond comprehension.

sometimes i wish i were really sick, like i had something terminal and painful, not suffering with unwanted, chronic arousal that does not serve any purpose. sometimes i think i would prefer pain over this embarrassing disorder.

of course, my true desire is to LIVE, but to live without PGAD! despite my suffering, i honestly have an incredible life: i have a loving, wonderful husband, a beautiful, sweetheart of a son, two adorable dogs, great friends, and we actually own a house that is my dream home! all these wonderful gifts are all around me, and i only get to truly enjoy them a few days out of a month, if that.

i'm not giving up. not any time soon. i plan to press keep trying to place my trust in God, or rather, as i have been praying, "Lord, build trust in me for you, because i do not possess it within myself,"and even as i pray that, anxiety rises up in my throat, and i have to swallow hard. take a deep breath.